His and Hers Scars
by MysteryGal5
Summary: Between the fall of SHIELD and Thanos' decimation, battles between James and Natasha bring back memories from their past together that they both thought they lost over all the intense brainwashing. Little do they know that those memories will be with them forever like the matching scars on their bodies. (Bucky x Natasha)
1. The Red Room (Washington)

_**Update as of January**_ **_2019_ \- The first four chapters of this story have been modified. For starters, a lot of you wanted longer chapters so I did my best to provide those without making it look as if I was dragging on. However, nothing completely drastic has been changed to them.**

 **The origin of this story is interesting: I had a different idea for this story, trashed it; got re-inspired after reading Margaret Stohl's Black Widow novels, trashed it again; and then this one just happened.**

 ** _Disclaimer_ \- I don't own Marvel or its characters and some of the scenes in this were inspired by comic snippets and research I found online.**

 ** _Note_ \- _italicized text means flashbacks_ and normal text means present time. Locations of both are indicated by the chapter title. PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO THE FORMAT OF THE TEXT BECAUSE IT COULD CHANGE INSTANTLY! **

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Chapter One: _The Red Room_ / Washington

 _"Over there is our best Widow, Natalia."_

 _James follows the pointing finger to see where it leads his eyes. It passes twenty-six Widow trainees who all wear the same black spandex jumpsuit while running through their daily regimen of extensive and strenuous training. His eyes finally land on a pale redhead who seems to only get her biological colour from her vibrant hair. She was called Natalia, as he was informed. He watches as she flips through a complicated obstacle course composed of fatal blockades all while being blindfolded and deaf due to noise cancelling headphones._

 _The way Natalia moves is fluid: each move is performed without hesitation even with two primary senses confiscated. The only weapons currently at her disposal are her mind and instinct which are coincidentally a Widow's deadliest assets._

 _James is impressed but not convinced that she's the top of her class. He was probably brought out of cryostasis to train her and make her the best of the best. After all, they wouldn't defrost him for an introduction._

 _"She is the best?" James questions with overt disbelief in his voice. "She seems to be a gymnast."_

 _"Actually, she's a ballerina."_

 _Without proving his point, James already decides to put Natalia to the test. He enters the training arena, each Widow watching him with sharp eyes as he walks through without pausing from their training; all except for Natalia who can't see or hear anything. James approaches her from behind, stepping aside from the obstacles in his way. He lifts his loaded gun from his holster and aims it at her as she flips over. Natalia lands on her feet and pauses, exhaling a short breath. She hasn't moved nor has noticed James standing behind her. James is about to cock the weapon but the gun is immediately kicked out of his hand. He immediately gets pressed against the wall by the opposite heeled boot pressed against his neck, the gun falls out of his hand and skitters on the floor. Natalia removes her blindfold and headphones, and James finds himself staring right into her piercing eyes._

 _Another aspect of vibrant colour for her._

 _"I felt your vibrations from when you were stomping over," Natalia explains, her voice sharp and soft. "Keep that up and I might have to kill you_ with rapid fire all heading in her direction as she fires back through the smoke. As a missile gets fired at her, she leaps over the barrier that divides the freeway and somersaults out of the way of an approaching car. Guns aim at her rapidly as she rolls across the front hood of a car and then the moment she is behind said car for cover, as she expected, it gets blown off the freeway bridge. But she already flipped over with a gun in her grip. Using her other hand, she fires a grappling hook which fastens onto the belly of the concrete bridge and swings across. The car from before hits the ground and bursts into flames just as Natasha runs the other way.

Once across and back in the sunlight, she looks back up at the bridge to locate Steve and Sam both of whom she hasn't seen since their drive was fatally interrupted. Instead, she sees the shooter. It's a soldier with a metal arm that the sun reflects on. He sent her to the ground. Natasha watches as he scopes the scene from where he stands, prepping a snipper in his hands. Natasha takes a hold of her other gun and points the two she has right up at him, squinting her eyes against the sunlight as she begins to fire non-stop.

Natasha knows exactly who she's firing at, even with her eyes partially blinded by the light. She knew from the moment their car crashed even though she didn't want to believe it then. It's the Winter Soldier, a man once known as James Buchanan Barnes. The same James who was Bucky Barnes and Steve's best friend and ally before he transformed and trained her in The Red Room; who taught her how to always slice the right vein with the right blade; how to fire the smallest gun for the farthest distance; how to remain in the shadows _with his head down and shoulders hunched, James walks through the corridors of The Red Room. He holsters his guns, approaching the exit. He suddenly stops in his path, straightening up. His eyes flicker a bit. In one swift motion, James whips around and grabs someone's wrist, pulling whoever it is to be closer to him._

 _Natalia tenses up as James' metal hand grips around her wrist, her trapped hand flinching. James' free and flesh hand holds her up by the small of her back. Her green eyes are open wide, almost spooked as her lips rest slightly parted. Then, she's smiling as if this was all fun and games for her._

 _James was proud of Natalia._ _He was only here to sharpen all of her skills even though she could slice through them easily:_ _marksmanship, combined arms, tactical, close-quarters combat, naval aviation, navigation, military engineering, espionage, hacking, seduction, all of it. Though that list does go on for longer, there was only one skill she has yet to master. Being the best in The Red Room was nothing compared to being the best in the world._

 _"Trying to sneak up on me, Natalia?" James questions playfully, already knowing the answer to that. "You're not that good yet."_

 _She grins a little. "I could use the practice."_

 _James still holds her, forgetting that he was even doing so in the first place. She looks down and sees the full uniform on him and his loaded weapons in the slim space that still lies between them. Natalia knows that James was constantly frozen in the cryostasis unless it was for two reasons: training her or completing a mission. Since it wasn't the former, it had to be the latter._

 _"Where are you going?" She asks._

 _"Return to your room," James orders quickly and quietly._

 _"Take me with you."_

 _"You know I can't do that. If our superiors found out, they - "_

 _"They'll what? What are they going to do? Huh? Tell me. How could they possibly harm us? You speak as if they could pull the trigger on us but not only are we needed here, we're also indestructible. They can't point their best weapons at themselves."_

 _James doesn't comment. He looks down at the way he's holding Natalia: one hand still locked around her wrist as the other remains around her waist. Noticing this, Natalia uses her free hand to tilt his chin up so his eyes meet hers._

 _"Did it hurt when you got the prosthetic limb?" Natalia asks, changing the topic. "Because I can tell you that I don't know what it felt like to have them invade my body and pry away their worst fears."_

 _James never expected anyone to ever ask that question, especially someone here in a place where everyone goes through their very own personalized hell. It's the first time that someone actually seems to care about his well-being._

 _"Not sure," James replies honestly, "it was all in a faze. I just woke up in an operation room with it already attached to me." He eyes her. "How about you? Did it all hurt when you got here?"_

 _Natalia scoffs. "It's ironic how this place works. As little girls, society trains you how to be a mother but here, they take that opportunity away from you. Instead, they make you kill mothers and have their children watch before you kill them as well."_

 _"Fair point."_

 _"Could you ever kill someone with a family?"_

 _His response is automatic. "We'd have no choice."_

 _She smirks. "Fair point. We're assassins who are conditioned to not let out feelings get connected to our missions or anything for that matter." She looks up at him and he swears that he sees her eyes glimmer in the darkness. "That doesn't make us heartless, James, it makes us obsolete. They'll destroy my tubes and my mind, not my heart."_

 _Again, James is impressed by Natalia. Even though she's a product of The Red Room's abuse and brainwashing, she still manages to cheat the system and try to be her own person_ for a moment, he doesn't believe his eyes. He doesn't believe that he's seeing her. The bright red curls in the distance don't put a name to the face nor did the graceful leap off the freeway bridge. None of that. The realization of her identity came from the one bullet from her gun that put a crack in his goggles. As he rips them off, the sun enters his eyes.

They warned him about her but still, seeing her in action after all this time makes it feel unreal.

Natalia Romanov. Natasha Romanoff. The Black Widow. Agent of SHIELD. Avenger. Former daughter of Russia. Former creation of The Red Room.

A woman from the life he barely remembers...now working with the man who is his target.

Despite all the aliases and the time that has passed since they were all active, her red locks were omnipresent. If there's one thing she should've changed about herself so she could guarantee not being found, it was the hair.

His orders were to kill Captain America and anyone that may get in his way.

That included her.

James fires everything he's got at her. She ducks behind a bus for cover. When he runs out of bullets and has to reload, that's when she returns her shots, now with two guns in her hands. Each of her shots is precise and accurate, thanks to her expert training. Once she's all out, she turns around and starts running into the streets.

James swings his gun over his shoulder. He takes a few steps forwards, stepping off and falling from the freeway. He lands on a car, crushing it in one stance. James looks ahead, searching for where she went now. She couldn't have gone that far. He paces himself as he walks around, reloading his gun. Civilians run around in a panic and he couldn't care less about them because he's searching for her. It's not a desire of his to look for her. She's simply in the way of his true target.

He hears something soft. It sounds like her voice. James eyes a car parked on the side of the road and he gets down on one knee behind an SUV to hide. He pulls out a small spherical bomb from his belt and rolls it over to where she is. James stands back up as it rolls over, pointing his gun and ready to shoot. The car explodes and he lowers his gun because she wasn't there. He's been fooled by _a remedy, a relief, an escape from the pain that burns in his brain. Going through another cycle of brainwashing really took a toll on him this time. His mind and body felt completely burned, almost as if he has a disease in his system that's taking out whatever good it could infect. But if anyone were to ask him, there was nothing good left in him to infect._

 _James stumbles into his chamber and sees Natalia sitting on the edge of his bed, one leg crossed over the other. Her eyes are focused on him as if she's studying him. Then, surprisingly, she smiles at him; and not one of those snarky or diabolical grins but a true and genuine smile. (It almost takes all his pain away)._

 _"I like seeing you like this," Natalia says to him._

 _"What?" James questions. "Disoriented?"_

 _"Struggling," she states. "You walk into it thinking that it will be easier than the last but it never will be, even when you think you can finally handle it. I don't think it will ever be tolerable."_

 _"Your tortures are nothing like mine," James spits at her._

 _He stumbles to the ground, landing on his metal arm. He curses. Natalia gets up from the bed and kneels in front of him. She lifts his head and rests it on her knees, combing her fingers through his sweat-drenched hair._

 _"Did you know that if you get heat stroke once, your brain remembers the circuitry of the events so it knows how to adapt if you ever get it again?" Natasha whispers rhetorically._ _"Well, I never expect for you to get heat stroke in Russia, but it's a metaphor. All you have to do is take the pain they inflict on you and put it towards your enemies. Survive by simulation - think you're shooting and strangling the ones who poke around your mind. Make your pain your pleasure. They can no longer break what they already tore apart. They will eventually run out of pieces to shred."_

 _And at that moment, the student becomes the teacher._

 _Natalia looks into James' pained eyes. She decides to lean forwards,_ jump at him foot first. Mid-air, his gun falls to the ground as she grabs his shoulders and spins her legs around his neck to prep herself onto. Using her garrote around his neck, Natasha pulls hard, using all of her strength. James resists, stepping backwards and walks into a car.

A Black Widow hanging by herself on a single string is dangerous; but when she's the one hanging someone else, it's deadly. Natasha never fails to fight so brutally efficient with graceful beauty.

James gets a grip on her thighs and throws her off of him. Natasha slams against another car and falls flat on the ground. James picks up his dropped gun as Natasha pries something off of her bracelet. She whips a disk at him which electrocutes his metal arm, making it stiffen and giving Natasha the time needed to get up and run off. James narrows his eyes as he watches her red locks get further and further away from him. Once James is able to remove the disk from his arm, he holds it between his fingers, watching the electricity _pulse through her body. Natalia stretches her fingers before gripping them on the armrests of her chair, her knuckles blanching. Her limbs, torso, and neck are tightly restrained, sweat pours down her face and soaks her curls. Her breaths are shaky yet confident._

 _"You disobeyed us, Natalia..." Her superior mutters to her. "Now, you must pay the price."_

 _Natalia spits in the man's face. He pauses for a second and scoffs, disregarding her crude action. James, who stands in the background as a mere witness, remains impassive to all this. Her chest pants up and down in a constant rhythm despite her current state._

 _"Any last words before we sing you a lullaby?"_

 _Natalia purses her lips together. Her eyes meet James' and she sees his hand over his holster, fingers fanning over the handle ready to grip tightly and shoot. She opens her mouth just to say -_

"Get out of the way!" Natasha screams at nearby civilians, sprinting through the streets. She waves her arms frantically, telling them clear out.

Suddenly, a small projectile whips past her. Believing that it hit her, Natasha falls forwards and lands on the ground as shards of glass from a car window land on her. She sits up against the car door, clutching her heart. She begins to inhale and exhale spastically as she looks around for The Winter Soldier, Steve or Sam. She didn't want to be alone right now. Despite her extraordinary skills in combat, she's beyond terrified to be here right now on both a physical and an emotional level.

Hearing someone coming from behind her, she turns around and sees James on top of a car, pointing a gun at her. Her eyes are full of tears and _suave. Natalia stands to the side, one hip cocked out like a gun. She wears a black knee-high dress with a flared skirt and elbow-length sleeves. A black mesh sits perched on top of her pulled back curls, barely covering her piercing green eyes; her bright red lips are still out for the show and tell. In her gloved hands, she holds a loaded gun in one hand and a grenade in the other._

 _"You think I can't disarm you?" James questions her._

 _Natalia claps her lips together. "If you take the gun, I'll drop the grenade. If you take the grenade, I'll drop a bullet in your brain."_

 _James smirks, taking a step closer to her. "This isn't supposed to be a live-ammunition exercise."_

 _Natalia lightly shrugs. "Rules are meant to be broken, darling. Besides, you could always test the authenticity of my weapons."_

 _James huffs, trying to think of a strategy as Natalia holds out the weapons out for him like an offering. Either hand would result in his defeat - in the case that the weapons were only dupes- so he goes for something else. James pounces forwards, swiping both of her weapons away. He grabs her head in his hands and presses her lips against his._

 _Shocked, Natalia accepts the kiss, letting him take full control of it. This was his play after all._

 _James suddenly tenses up once he feels something metal slip into his mouth and tongue. He feels it as the key to the grenade._ _Damn women and their seducing skills._

 _Natalia smiles before running off, leaving him with the ticking grenade at his feet. She turns back around and watches him as he stares at her with that stupid smirk on his face. It could only mean that he approves in more ways than one. He kicks the grenade away and lets it blow. The fires pour down and Natalia's bright red hair blends in with the burning sensation that corrodes his body._

 _It was moments like this, during their training sessions, that their romance first began. In secret, of course, because their love was born out of suspicious circumstances. They were never meant to be functional and The Red Room always tried to make sure of that. They never approved because_ Steve stares in shock at who he has been fighting the whole time once the mask is on the ground. He isn't even processing that someone who was once his best friend is now out to murder him.

"Bucky?" Steve could barely get out.

"Who the hell is Bucky?" James responds pointing a gun directly at Steve.

Steve doesn't raise his shield because he can't look away. This is too much for his mind to process. Lucky for Steve, Sam flies in and kicks James over before he could fire. However, James quickly gets back onto his feet and tries to shoot Steve again but Natasha uses the little energy she has left to fire a missile at him with James' gun. Once it flies, Natasha pants as she leans against the side of the van. If she thought this was hard, then she will hate for when she has to explain all this to Steve.

The missile explodes and when the flame settles down, The Winter Soldier's already gone.

It feels like déjà vu for her.

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 **I'm pretty sure that this story is a play on déjà vu in general.**


	2. Location Unknown (Berlin)

**I actually started shipping Bucky and Natasha while writing this story. Now, I ship them so much that I need them to be canon.**

 **I know some of you have said that I should separate the two formats into different paragraphs and that was how I originally had it planned, but I felt as if it ruined the flow of the story.**

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Chapter Two: _Location Unknown_ / Berlin

 _"James," Natalia mutters in complete shock, "you found me."_

 _After a whole series of events, James and Natalia found themselves separated from one another, both without the intentions of finding each other. Due to their expansive records with various parties and agencies that grew after being burned at the stake in The Red Room, they didn't want to risk being found by anyone, not even each other. It was the possibility of being recognized by someone you're trying to hide from that's currently at play._

 _And now here they are, staring into each other's eyes in complete shock right in the center of the city. James looks down, putting his flesh hand on Natalia's shoulder before cupping her face with his metal one. Natalia rests her forehead on his chin, her curls falling over her face like a canopy. Both of them lean into one another not only for the affection but to better hide their faces from whoever may be searching._

 _Natalia knows that James is constantly being pulled back under, either by The Red Room or even HYDRA - whoever has him this time. Sometimes, the two agencies worked as one which was scary for the whole world. Since he's out of the ice, he's either gone rogue or he's in the middle of a mission._

 _"You're not that hard to find," James replies with a small grin on the corner of his mouth._

 _Usually, Natalia would be offended at the critique towards her espionage skills but as of right now, she has more important things in her mind._

 _"I'm surprised that you have this liberty considering all the restrictions they put on you."_

 _Natalia looks up and meets his eyes with hope in her own. When she sees that his own are gloomy with her reflection in them, her expression drops. That's when she realizes that James went AWOL from whoever had him in their control._

 _"I'm sure you've heard enough and more," James explains vaguely. "Natalia...I do not know the whole truth on who's doing all this to my mind but - "_

 _"You're still a good man," Natalia tells him._

 _"In the same way you're a good woman," he spits back. Natalia closes her eyes and shrugs a little. They know they're bad people in every way possible, even if they try to do good. "Not really, no, but thank you for thinking that. I thought you would've forgotten about me."_

 _"Never."_

 _Their compelling tragedy is that the romance they had with each other is fuelled by each other being the strongest memories they both have. Due to their passionate stints in the dark corner of The Red Room, their brains have been erased multiple times over the course of their very long lives to try and have them forget one another._ _For the Winter Soldier, this includes many times when he's disobeyed orders to do good deeds. Despite their relationship always being wiped in collateral damage, they have always tried to find each other - especially when Natalia was led to believe that he was dead because of her love for him._

 _They could rekindle their love over and over again just like this, but it will always end with one or both of them paying the price and forgetting it._

 _Natalia looks up at him and her curls fall back, revealing her face to him. She places her gloved fingers on his lip, tapping them gently as if his lips were made of glass. James' hand moves down to her waist, pulling her closer so that she is_ firmly standing on her two feet with her arms crossed over her chest, Natasha watches the supposed bomber of the United Nation's summit be interrogated. It didn't really surprise her that it was the Winter Soldier to be the one responsible nor did she really believe it to be him who set the bomb off. It just seemed too coincidental especially since he was present during SHIELD's fall. After all the years they've spent together, she knows that he's HYDRA's puppet who they'll throw under the bus when they have to, and repair him when they need to. She just has to find out who is pulling the strings this time.

\- Hello, Mr. Barnes. I have been sent by the United Nations to interrogate you. Do you mind if I sit?

Natasha shifts her weight from one leg to the other as she keeps her eyes fixed on the screen. Steve, who stands next to her, does the same. She knows that they're both uncomfortable with this but for different reasons.

\- I am not here to judge you. I just want to ask you a few questions. Do you know where you are, James?

Natasha turns her head, focusing on James in the live footage. He isn't responding at all, hell, he isn't even looking at the interrogator. It's almost like he was a robot with its power turned off. It was almost like seeing him back in Washington, where he was at the point where the brainwashing was the most successful it has ever been: he truly remembered nothing about his past.

\- Tell me, Bucky, you've seen a great deal, haven't you?

\- I don't want to talk about it.

\- You feel that if you open your mouth, the horrors might never stop.

Natasha almost scoffs at that statement. Coming from someone who has been through relatively the same kind of torture and abuse as him will know that even standing still brings back flashbacks. Horrors, as he said, was just a light way to categorize those experiences that will forever be engrained in their minds. Even when they think they lost those horrors, they always come crawling back. Not even brainwashing could protect them.

Wanda's brainwashing on her made the horrors worse.

Suddenly, all the power goes out and the red emergency lights take over. With the live footage gone, Natasha knows that this has all been set up as sort of trap. She looks around to find Steve, wondering _who the hell would visit him that isn't a scientist of some sort. After being chained up for over months in between missions, James finds his body completely sore in the same position. Nobody allowed him to move; not even a single inch. To his surprise, he sees Natalia walk in and he suddenly feels lighter. Her mood is cold and sharp - the face every Black Widow is trained to wear._

 _This time, her expression isn't some mask for the other officials in the room. It's genuine. She can't remember exactly who he is to her and that's what hurts the most for him._

 _"Look at us..." Natalia starts, walking in front of him. "We haven't aged one single bit but you can thank cryostasis and extensive biological procedures for that. You know, I saw you a few months back. It was a shame we didn't get a chance to rekindle what we once had. You didn't even say hello."_

 _Her hand grazes his jawline and as much as he wants her touch to stay there, he pulls his head back. James doesn't say anything since he isn't sure of what's going on. He isn't even sure what event Natalia is talking about. He can remember her, but not the event or seeing her there._

 _"Remember this?"_

 _Natalia rolls up her jacket, revealing a scar that just scabbed over on the lower part of her torso. That's when James remembers and it hits him like a punch across the face: the car in Odessa, Iran, the cliff, the nuclear engineer and his escort. He looked right into the escort's eyes before he pulled the trigger. Those green eyes... The bullet went right through the escort before hitting the nuclear engineer, and then he was gone._

 _Those green eyes...Natalia's eyes._

 _He. Shot. Natalia._

 _His Natalia._

 _He can't believe he did that._

 _She doesn't remember him._

 _And he loathes all of this to the extreme..._

 _James' mind snaps and he roars like a barbaric animal. Natalia steps back, watching James break free from his restraints as if he were being held back by a string. She opens her mouth and begins saying a pattern of words in a calming tone. At the sound of those verbal triggers, James falls to his knees, panting heavily at her feet. Natalia uses her foot to push him onto his back so his drooping eyes are looking at her. How Natalia came to the knowledge of that lullaby, he'll never know, but it was always her who could make him feel at ease even if she didn't plan to._

 _"Killing you would be too easy," Natalia says coldly. "Making you suffer would be a true masterpiece."_

 _She crouches down so that her face is close to his._

 _"You and I both know that we are the finest creations of those monsters..." She whispers. "And now, they are going to make you forget this moment ever happened."_

 _Natalia gives him a small peck on the forehead before she gets up and walks out. The sounds of his mind being wiped by electricity mask the sound of her footprints. As of right now, her face becomes a blur of red in his mind which only causes her to_ launch herself at James, kneeing him in the chest which knocks the wind out of his system. She cracks his knee with her fist and ducks as Sharon swings her leg up. James catches it and flips her onto a table which collapses under her. As James takes a step closer to Sharon to finish her off, he feels two hands grip his shoulders.

It's Natasha, no surprise there.

Natasha swings her legs up until they're firmly wrapped around his head. At that point, Natasha sits up straight on his shoulders and James starts travelling on his feet, despite Natasha's body being in the way of his sight. She starts jabbing both of her elbows into his head with all of her strength as he tries to snag a grip on her leather jacket.

This is a classic move of hers, he can tell by how automatic she executes it; a move that she doesn't have to think about performing perfectly since it's been done so many times. After all, in a battle, there is never time to think but just do. It's all pure movement and fluidity in the reflexes. This was all something Natasha would've hidden back in the Red Room days: all that true power and action. It evokes surprise thus distraction the target, not to mention that it engraves itself into her muscle memory and Natasha's muscles have a perfect memory.

She also wanted to avoid graduation, a memory she wished she forgot over time.

She couldn't say the same about James' actual memory. While her recognition lights are flashing and opening the doors to a complicated past, his are lost. He still hasn't remembered Natasha the way he knew her. This could mean that he still has a powerful memory block about some of his history.

James slams Natasha onto another table, her legs, however, remain locked around his neck like a noose. She grunts due to the impact, not giving her enough time to take another breath as his metal hand automatically grabs her neck. Natasha wraps her hands around his metal wrist as she looks into his cold lifeless eyes behind his messy dark hair. She forces out the remaining air in her lungs to let out a few words.

"You could at least recognize me!" She chokes out with a snarky grin.

James can't help but pause as he looks at her. Natasha _nestles in the sheets, resting a hand on the stubble that grows on his face. Natalia was trained to be a light sleeper so if he were to move as little as twitching his face, she would notice. James loves watching her sleep, not seeming creepy whatsoever. Her face would be at peace as it hides underneath her red curls. For once, she isn't looking for a fight but a chance to rest._

 _Holding his breath, James wraps an arm around Natalia's body and pulls her closer to him. Her shoulders move a little but she doesn't wake up even though he knows that she's awake under those closed eyes. It's when his hand goes on top of hers on his face that her eyes open._

 _"No..." Natalia mutters, tightening her grip on James' hand before returning it to his stubble._ _Natalia smiles with satisfaction as she runs her thumb across his growing facial hair. She takes a deep content breath as she opens her eyes, its ice cold colour glowing in the dark._ _"I left my hand there on purpose. You look great with stubble, have you considered a beard?"_

 _"Can't say that I have," James replies._

 _"I think you would look absolutely scruff."_

 _James lightly pinches her cheek, causing her to smile a little. Just like her smile, Natalia has a face that is a wonder of its own. Her face contradicts itself, composed of sharp lines and round curves, a smile that could be either rugged or soft. Her eyes are cold and bright while her lips are full. Her face as a whole is shaped like a heart, ironically, with cheekbones so pronounced that they seemed to cast their own shadow. It's a face that will never be dismissed, disregarded or forgotten. There is nothing else like it in the entire world._

 _Taking him by surprise, Natalia rolls on top of him. Her face rests only a few inches from his. The tips of her curls brush against his stubble._

 _"This is how it's going to go," Natalia orders. "Either you go to sleep with me or I'm going to knock you out."_

 _James scoffs. "You'd love either."_

 _Natalia nods, seeing and agreeing with his point. She slowly leans in closer to lay on his flesh arm with her soft hair against his cheek. His arm wraps gently around her small frame. He can't help but ponder upon the feeling that is slowly breaking the surface in his chest, scared because he's coming out of this brand new. There are so many unspoken words and unanswered questions between them. Hypnotized by her fire, all he wants to do is bask in her warmth but as reality hits, a new feeling that feel like his brainwashing takes place in the back of his mind: is she the light he's supposed to follow or is she the flame that will burn him alive?_

 _All he knows for sure is that right now, she's here in his arms. Her chest rises and falls to the beat of her pounding heart which he feels against his own body. All he wants to do is protect her with everything he has while she_ focuses on her breathing. Natasha stands up from the table as James continues his battle but now with King T'Challa of Wakanda who came right on time before James was about to squish her throat like an apple. Her eyes don't leave him as she continues to watch him fight. One of her hands rests on the spot where James choked her, wondering if there is the possibility that after going through a life worse than hell, he would've actually recognized her.

He paused for a moment before ending her so that had to mean something, right? Why would he have to think?

They may have been younger at the time but he had a face that she could never forget, despite all the brain-washing and how much she tried to. That terrible, beautiful _memory. That's not even close to what she will be one day in his eyes, but neither of them wants to believe that at this point in time._

 _"You'll never forget me, right?" Natalia asks him even though she possibly knows the unfortunate answer._

 _"If that ever happens, choke me until I remember," he replies._

 _"Will certainly do."_

 _Her tone alone is angry even though she has no choice but to accept the unfortunate lives they have. The furrowed brows and crossed arms only emphasize her bitter mood. The real reason why Natalia is mad is that she can't do anything about it, no matter how much she tries to. The Red Room always barges in and strips them form the little bliss they always find a way to have before it's too late. Too much damage has already been done and it will only get worse the longer they pursue at it. It was always a question of who remembers who and how much do you remember, or worse, is what you remember real or just something they programmed in your mind?_

 _There was no point in lying to someone who knows all your secrets - even the ones she didn't know herself._

 _"I will remember all I can, Natalia," James vows. "Please tell me that you will do the same."_

 _Natalia sighs before quickly kissing him. "Just a little something to know that I will try not to forget you either."_

And she hasn't. Ever since Wanda went into her mind and brought her back into The Red Room - into graduation, her memories have been coming back faster and fresher than ever. If only she could make them stop.


	3. Metropolis (Munich)

**I was actually thinking of having a little bonus chapter at the end of this whole story just with the memories in order of how they happened chronologically. Would you guys like that? Either way, I think I'm going to do it.**

* * *

Chapter Three: _Metropolis_ _/_ Munich:

United yet divided. Who would've ever thought the two polar opposites could co-exist?

Natasha finds herself siding with Tony Stark, still hoping to convince Steve to just side with the Sokovia Accords. She knows it's the right decision but she also understands why he's so persistent on not signing it. And a part of her is on edge of where she truly stands. She knows why Steve is against it but for some reason, she isn't sure why she's for it. Maybe it's because all of her secrets are already out there so it would make no difference to her if she was registered.

Her eyes glance at James who stands behind his childhood friend at the airport where they all are. If all the brainwashing never happened and his memories were all still in his mind, would they be on the same side regardless of who's giving the order? Would they even be here or just be ghosts in the shadows? Would their past together have ever happened?

If only she could have a few minutes just to say -

 _"You know," Natalia says as James lightly tugs on the zippers of her unzipped jacket, "I still have to go but if you ever change your mind just know that - "_

 _"I won't," James replies too quickly, confirming his certitude. "I don't have a choice either way."_

 _Natalia didn't expect any other answer. She keeps her eyes on him as the wind pushes her hair over her face, her green eyes still popping through as a sharp contrast against her red hair._

 _"No matter how much I dislike it..." James continues._

 _He doesn't want Natalia to say anything else so he wraps an arm around her shoulders and pulls her into a kiss. Before she could get a chance to convince herself that this was wrong, his fingers are in her hair and she's pulling him closer to her. They have kissed a lot before but there was something different about this one. For the first time, they weren't conflicted. This is exactly what they wanted to do._

 _If only she realized these were the final seconds she would spend with him with no idea of when she would see him again. If she would see him again. Their tragic romance is infuriating. He needed to let her go, to go far away, where her passion couldn't get them into danger. For every second they kiss, she feels herself being torn apart by their warring desires. She wanted to keep him safe...while he wanted the same thing for her._

 _Once they part, Natalia takes that as her cue to_ run. 'Run like hell', Steve's new ally, Scott Lang, in the size-changing suit said; which is what James and Steve did. They both needed to get to the quinjet to get to what the real problem was. All that stands in their way now is The Black Widow. James knows that she is on the other side but her expression towards them seems more understanding than antagonistic. She has a tight bond with Steve, from what he's told him, so hopefully, she knows why they're doing this.

"You're not going to stop," she says, already knowing what the answer will be.

"You know I can't," Steve replies.

She shakes her head disgracefully. "I'm going to regret this..."

James watches as Natasha holds up her wrist's Widow's bite, its bright glowing light pointing directly at them. He watches as her brows slowly furrow as she _revs her motorcycle through the city at night, cutting off cars, buses, and trucks that get in her way (which is all of them). However, she does it in such a clean and stealthy manner that nobody bothers or notices to honk at her. To them, she was merely a bug on their windshield - there and gone before it could go splat._

 _Natalia feels the arms around her waist tighten. She grins as she looks down at them before slightly turning her head to look at him. Both of their long hair flies around their faces but their eye contact is still achieved. Natalia turns back to the road. As the traffic light turns red, she only speeds up and_ fires.

To their surprise, Natasha's shot fired right past the both of them, electrocuting King T'Challa who was running towards them from behind. Now, he was bent over, fighting against the bite. James and Steve aren't sure what Natasha's true motives were if she was betraying Stark by aiding them. Either she knows their true intentions or knows that this is all a distraction from a bigger problem; or in a true Black Widow nature, it's both. She's a woman with her own motives and agenda, that's for sure. Some things never change over time, do they?

"Go," she commands them.

James and Steve bolt past Natasha, heading to the quinjet. None of them make eye contact. Instead, _James climbs into her bedroom window, waking her right up from her light slumber. Immediately, Natalia runs over to the windowsill and makes sure that he's silent as he enters her room. He tries to talk first but she puts a finger to his mouth, beating him to it._

 _"You shouldn't be here," she whispers, her lips lightly grazing his with every word she says. "You'll be a dead man if they find you here with me."_

 _"I don't care," James replies as she wraps his face in her hands. He looks down at her. "Natalia..."_

 _"I'll try to see you soon."_

 _"I'll try to keep my eye on you."_

Watching the quinjet fly off, Natasha turns around and faces King T'Challa. He stands up after just missing his chance at avenging his father's death by capturing The Winter Soldier. He faces Natasha and she can't read his expression from the inside of his mask. She can sense some betrayal radiating from him since they were supposedly on the same side. Natasha, however, regrets nothing. It felt right letting them get away.

"I said I'd help you find him, not catch him," Natasha reasons with His Majesty. "There's a difference."

It was all about specifics with her. That was how you act as two sides of a coin at the same time - present yourself as one.

Natasha watches as King T'Challa turns around and gives himself a running start and pouncing on the landing gear of the soaring quinjet. She turns and watches him get closer to his real goal - vengeance.

Hell, she can't blame him or stop him. They all want vengeance on something now, don't they?


	4. Their Place (Her Place)

**Even though this event was not explicitly in the movie, I felt as if it would be important to write because back when this was the last chapter of the story, this was a conclusion. Now, it serves as a transition.**

 **(I accidentally deleted the edited version of this chapter earlier and I'm mad, but this is as good as it'll get).**

* * *

Chapter Four: _Their Place_ / Her Place:

 _Natalia wakes up one morning, feeling the space next to her on the bed and it's both cold and empty. Natalia opens her eyes and moves the hair that was covering her face. She sees that James isn't sleeping beside her. Sitting up, she sees a freshly picked rose resting on his pillow with a note taped to the stem. She takes off the note to read it._

 _'Had some business to take care of. Be back soon, maybe. Didn't want to wake you. - J'_

 _Natalia smirks to herself, admiring how stealthy he had to be to be able to leave her sleeping while he moved around the squeaky floorboards to get out. She exchanges the note in her hand for the rose. The thorns still remain and they prick Natalia's hand and fingers but not to the point where blood is drawn. But after all the torture she's been through in life, these thorns actually feel therapeutic to her. She runs her fingers over the petals, feeling the soft velvety texture in between her fingertips. Then, she closes her eyes and brings the rose to her nose, inhaling the soft, fresh scent before_ she picks up her vibrating cell phone from the kitchen countertop after hearing that she received a message. Natasha sees a vague text message from Steve but still understands the subliminal messaging behind those three simple words.

\- 'He went under'

Natasha doesn't respond. She puts her phone back on the kitchen counter.

It was James' choice to be put back under the cryostasis and, ironically, it was under the protection of King T'Challa in Wakanda. It was his call and she didn't object to it, not as if he even asked for her opinion. Why would he ask her anyways? He doesn't know or remember who she is. Why would he listen to some lost and blurred memory? Even if he did ask, she would let him because not only does she understand why he's doing it, but because this is the first choice he made for himself.

There's nothing she could do now. He played his final move. Even though he'll spend the rest of his life - or possibly just a long time - in ice all the way in the depths of Wakanda, he still wins. Natasha can try to imagine her life without him but she can't. All those memories, all that value...she takes solace in those thoughts and finds herself holding onto them for as long as she can. All those unsolicited days of raging passion, fiery connections will be nowhere near the ice.

Times never changed for them, has it? Cryostasis kept them apart in The Red Room whenever their officials reprimanded them for their romance in between training session and on the battlefield. It was always hard for them to share their passion because they had no way to keep in contact with each other. They only had their expertise to sneak behind the backs of their officials and express their undying love. Also, even in the modern day, they still go by their Soviet Code Names: The Winter Soldier and The Black Widow. She even westernized her name but that can't hide its Russian roots.

It all has to mean something, right?

They now have the right to choose, so why did they make those choices? They were free from their controllers and yet, it was if they weren't. It acted like an amend for the past, showing that they could never be good people again. There was too much blood on their hands to be wiped away. All they could do now to redeem themselves was to try and do the best they could, making the sacrifices that some would perceive as selfish. They could try and change their ways, giving a new connotation to their names, but even though brainwashing says different, their pasts will never go away.

The scars they wear would always be on their bodies.

As of right now, all she could do is move forward. Due to her actions in Munich and switching sides, the government now sees her as a fugitive. She has a few hours before she will have to go under the shadows along Steve's side. She had to thank Stark for at least giving her time to run away. He knew this whole time that she truly wasn't on anyone's side but her own.

Natasha changes into a tank top with a grey sweatshirt zipped up halfway and black exercise capris. She laces up her running shoes and ties them both tightly. Once she steps out the door, the frosty breeze hits her like a whiplash and she puts on her hood. Natasha exhales deeply, being able to see her breath and watch it fade away. If this was carried to the power of infinity, it must be what cryostasis is like.

That doesn't stop her from running. Natasha never minded the cold because she depended on it.

It tries to push away all the memories that will inevitably return and makes her head hurt less. This is essential because the one thing Natasha doesn't want to do right now is feel any type of sensation. She wants to be numb, to be heartless once again. To be the Black Widow that would kill her lovers with no remorse, to be the Black Widow who only acted as if she was in love for a relative gain, to be the Black Widow whose only purpose was to be a ruthless killer.

'Love is for children,' she and The Red Room would tell herself but now it's too late for that. After all, her calloused heart already felt too much back when she was younger and trying to defy her authorities. She's a rebel. She's a saint. She's the salt of the earth. She's dangerous. She's now a woman. That little childhood mantra no longer applied to her because she's grown up. The men and women who trained and shaped her threw the title around like a slur, claimed that no man could resist much less survive her. But she wore it like a medal. Only she knows the courage to earn The Black Widow.

But ironically, someone did survive her even when they tried to kill him in the process.

The Winter Soldier survived The Black Widow's bite and in return, The Black Widow survived The Winter Soldier's frostbite.

Only time can tell when and if these two will cross battles again.

She could only hope to see him again, but if she had to it wouldn't be for a simple hello.

* * *

 **The chapters for _Infinity War_ are out now!**


	5. Graduation (Edinburg)

**I AM FINALLY BACK (literally five months later)!**

 **Okay, I'm not going to lie, there was a small part of my life when I forgot that I put this story on hiatus. Then, I started university which is busy all on its own. Also, I just watched** ** _Infinity War_** **for the first time over Christmas holidays and that ruined my life. Also, the trailer for** ** _Endgame_** **came out which shattered me even more. Lastly, I actually had to plan the new chapters and after some small research, I went back and modified some of the previous chapters (feel free to go back and check them out if you'd like).**

 **Anyways, here are the new chapters based on events from** ** _Infinity War_** **.**

 **Remember -** ** _italicized text means flashbacks_** **whereas normal text means present!**

* * *

Chapter Five: _Graduation_ / Edinburg

Natasha Romanoff has been on the run with Steve Rogers, Wanda Maximoff, and Sam Wilson since the disassembly of The Avengers happened two years ago. (As for the other members of Steve's team back in Germany, Clint and Scott took the plea deals Now that the government sees them as fugitives, they had to lay low with new identities and new looks (at least for Natasha and Steve since they were more on the radical side of the watch list). It was all they still had control over and even then, it was used for protection against the bigger men. From the shadows, they often in dark bars: hiding in plain sight among civilians and keeping track of what's happening in the world via the news channels that bartenders would play right beside the news.

So many normal days have passed that the trio lost track of how long it's been since the airport battle in Germany. And those so-called normal days end right now when a breaking news report attracts their attention.

\- "There has been no word from Mrs. Potts, Stark's fiancée, about his sudden disappearance. Scientists are saying that it could be linked - "

"Think he got cold feet?" Sam questions rhetorically to Steve and Natasha.

"Cold feet would be the best scenario," Natasha responds, finishing her drink and slamming the glass back on the bar. She puts her hand over her empty glass when the bartender comes over, declining a refill.

Before the three of them could further speculate, a phone rings. Steve pulls out his unregistered flip phone from his pocket. He stares at the caller ID for a few seconds, showing Sam and Natasha. It's Tony - or at least, someone calling from the phone he secretly got. The news just reported that he was missing so this call had to be important. Steve leans forwards, rubbing his hands on his beard as he skeptically picks up. For all he knows, this call could only mean that they would have to go out on the run again.

"Banner?" Steve questions in surprise at the voice of the caller. He gives Natasha a look and she could only shrug. This is the first they're hearing of Banner since Sokovia and they haven't seen him since The Hulk took off with one of their quinjets.

Steve listens to the rest of the call. Natasha's hands ball into fists the more she hears Bruce's urgent voice over the phone, relaying events that sound like a heightened version of New York. She can't make out much over the short conversation, but she hears Thor's name, Asgard's destruction, a mad titan in search of something, and something about stones. When the call ends, Sam pulls out some bills to cover the cost for their drinks and they move out quickly.

"What's our mission?" Natasha asks, putting on the hood of her dark sweater.

"Get Vision," Steve responds. "I'll tell you more on the way but someone is after the mind stone in his head."

"I'm already looking for his location," Sam says, typing away on his arm brace. "He and Maximoff are not as close as they promised they'd be."

"Any word on who's after Vision?" Natasha asks Steve.

"Bruce said he'll tell us more when we get Vision. Apparently, this is all connected to Stark's disappearance. As of right now, Vision is our top priority and we're lucky that we can get there faster."

Natasha nods. She understands the power of the mind stone and its seemingly endless possibilities. Despite not knowing much on the current situation, she knows that if already involved Tony's sudden disappearance, Bruce's reappearance into humanity and calling Steve from a phone he gave to Tony, Thor's name, and someone after the mind stone, it wasn't good news. Then again, it never was _something they were allowed to have in their possession. They were Black Widows in training, not normal teenage girls._

 _Natalia doesn't know how the other girls got some wedding catalogues and she didn't care enough to ask. If she had to guess, one of the other girls has close ties with a guard and convinced him to bring her one. Both of which are severely prohibited and punishable by death._

 _A sour taste fills Natalia' mouth when she hears the other girls babbling on and on about different kinds of wedding dresses and rings in the centre of their shared dormitory. She cringes, giving them nasty side-eyed expressions. She couldn't believe that these girls still had the childlike mindset to dream about weddings. It's a waste of time and mental resources._

 _Love is for children and they were never allowed to be children. They progressed straight to adulthood. Now, they're supposed to be Black Widows. They're not biologically able to love. The spider itself kills its mate after getting what it wants._

 _As the other girls continue to swoon over their own delusions, Natalia can't help but look at her hands. She couldn't picture herself with a wedding ring because it would be a sentimental distraction only reminding her of a husband she's attached to for life. It serves no purpose in her world - unless, the ring could cut glass or her enemies, or fire lasers and decrypt entry padlocks. If it wasn't practical, then why should she want it? And wedding dresses were white to represent purity. Nobody could ever be stainless. Everyone had something wrong with them. Her wedding dress would be completely red if she were to ever have one. Ironically, it would match her hair. The colour symbolism all on its own had to mean something important._

 _Then, like every night, their superiors burst in ready to chain them to their beds for the night. Natalia sits crossed-legged on her own bed, smiling devilishly to herself as she watches her superiors charge over to the group of girls with the love propaganda in their hands. They rip it out of their fingers and they all scatter like spiders exposed in the light. Instead of punishment, they hold their guns up high at all of them as they sit in the centres of their beds._

 _"_ _Promiscuous thoughts and desires hinder graduation but promote termination," is all they could say to them as their one and only warning._

 _Such naughty girls._

 _The only good girl they see in Natalia who wears an expression that not only shows her dominance over the girls but her lack of interest in their juvenile desires. As they handcuff her to her bedframe, they can't help but think that she was either the model Black Widow they believed and trained her to be or her eyes had more of an interest looking at someone else. And if she did, maybe they were right about their suspicions. Maybe the red_ power illuminating from her hands shine bright in the darkness. Wanda's eyes are full of a type of fury that masks her fear. She isn't sure who's in front of her but all she knows is that they're after the one she loves and that is enough motivation for her to kill them.

Steve whips the sceptre in the air. It surpasses over the railway, the fence, Wanda, Vision, and the alien targeting them. Natasha sprints ahead and catches it in her hands. She slides on her knees, spinning the sceptre against her back. She turns, stabbing it forwards into the alien. Natasha uses that as her leverage, leaping back on her feet but remaining low as the alien sweeps its staff above her head. She hops onto its knee and leaps, kicking backwards and knocking the alien over.

Suddenly, the sceptre in Natasha's hands gravitates back to the other alien. Natasha looks up and sees her in the air, ready to stab her. Lucky for Natasha, Steve somersaults in, picking up a staff and blocking her when she comes down to the ground. He grunts _with her superiors in front of her, Natalia follows them down the dimly lit hallways of this institution. The longer they walk, the more underground they go as well as the colder it gets. Natalia feels goosebumps forming on her skin. She isn't quite sure where they're taking her or what they plan for her to do, but it doesn't seem like anything good. But when is it ever? For as long as she could remember, she never experienced anything purely good. She almost doesn't know what the word means._

 _Then, they stop at a doorway at the end of the hallway. One of her superiors punches in a code in the keypad and once it clicks, the doors open. Cold mist seeps out, passing through them. Natalia exhales and can see her own breath. When her superiors enter the cold room, she follows. They take a few steps inside before dispersing into a line. Natalia ends up in the middle and sees James lying in a container. He's frozen but asleep. He's in a cryogenic freeze state. The Winter Soldier is kept here in permanent stasis when he's not on a mission or assignment. Whenever he's here, she knows that their relationship is stuck._

 _Natalia looks at her superiors for an explanation on why she's here but before she could ask, she sees them handing her a gun. Natalia hesitantly takes it but figures out why she suddenly has it and why she's in here._

 _They want her to kill him._

 _"_ _Go on, Natalia…" They say. It sounds like a suggestion but it's an order. It's always like that._

 _"_ _Why?" Natalia asks, keeping her eyes on James._

 _"_ _Because you're compromising one another."_

 _Natalia hears their gun click and feels it on the back of her head, just pressing down on her hair. She takes a deep breath as her hands grip her weapon as hard as it can. They had a strict policy about love and she and James violated it. Now, the authorities want it to stop and the only way it could end for sure is that one of them is dead._

 _"We know about your relationship with The Winter Soldier and your romance is infeasible in every way possible. You may have similar training and abilities but your jobs are very different."_

 _"_ _Why kill him?" Natalia asks. "He is your best weapon. He taught me all that I know. You're at a great loss by eliminating him."_

 _"_ _We don't need him anymore," one of her superiors responds. "You and our other girls have already excelled."_

 _"_ _Exactly."_

 _Immediately, Natalia ducks. She spins on her toes and is now facing her superiors. She quickly grabs the other gun and backflips to create some distance between them. When she's back on her feet, she's facing her superiors with both guns in her hands pointed right at them. Her chest heaves as she backs up as close to James as she can. Natalia watches her superiors and they're not fighting back or reprimanding her. Instead, they're studying her._

 _And now, they're smiling as if they have a different truth behind their motive._

 _"_ _Natalia Romanova, you are avoiding graduation…"_

 _Natalia feels her heart rate accelerate as shivers run up and down her body. She knows that they're toying with her, wanting her to be their best and most ruthless weapon. They didn't want her to be attached to him and yet, for some reason, she is always drawn_ to their spaceship flying away in a temporary defeat. At least for now, those threats are gone and they had both Vision and the mind stone with them.

Natasha walks by Steve's side, returning her bayonets in their holster on her back. Sam helps up Vision, holding him by one side as Wanda takes the other. Natasha looks at Steve as Vision's body pixilates and the android grunts through human-like pain. She needs to know what their next move is and judging by Steve's expression, he is trying to figure out what to do with everything that has and is currently happening.

"Thank you, Captain," Vision says softly, grunting through his injuries.

Steve pauses for a moment before giving him a quick nod. His eyes never leave him. "Let's get you on the jet."

Steve turns around, leading the way for them all and _his speed accelerates as he walks down the hospital wing. He heard the rumors and mutterings from all the other girls and trainers, but he needs to see it with his own eyes in order for it to be true. The doctors and nurses try to tell James to either slow down or get out because he isn't allowed past here, but he couldn't care less._

 _He needs proof._

 _James walks through the infirmary and sees Natalia lying in one of the hospital beds. He walks inside and checks the vital machines before looking at her. James skims the paperwork and his hands ball into fists as he recognizes the surgical and invasive procedure report. He hears someone walk inside and thinks it's one of the recovery nurses but it's not. It's one of his superiors. He has to hold himself back from ripping them and their sleek jackets apart._

 _"_ _What the hell have you done?" James asks, gritting his teeth._

 _"_ _She graduated early," he responds._

 _"_ _You couldn't have done that."_

 _"_ _We know how close you and Natalia have gotten. You were supposed to only train her and instead, you warmed up her emotions. Even though your intimacy would have created the perfect weapon, we could not have risked a maternal or paternal attachment towards a fetus even though we would've dealt with it. She was already failing on purpose, we couldn't have let it gone any further."_

 _James is silent. He looks at Natalia one more time before excusing himself and rushing out. He cannot let them see him angry because that's what they wanted. Rage is easy to identify because it's so quick and bright, and he has to hide his emotions because if they see, he will be reprogrammed again and again. But maybe, that's a good thing so that the image of Natalia in recovery would be burned out of his mind. He never wanted to see her like this, let alone imagine and remember it._

 _His memories were always wiped because he was programmed to be a savage mercenary, not a willow. However, there was only one person he would ever be soft towards no matter how much it hurt him._

 _"Graduation cannot stop us..." James mutters to himself._

* * *

 **These** ** _Infinity War_** **chapters will be well worth the long hiatus, I promise you.**


	6. HYDRA (Wakanda)

**So as I was going through all of these chapters, I noticed that this is the first one that is truly centred around Bucky whereas the other ones were mostly focused on Natasha with some Bucky. At first, I wondered why all the other ones were mostly on Natasha but then I realized that present Bucky didn't really get any healing time until he was in Wakanda whereas present Natasha sort of knew who he was when he first came in** ** _CATWS_** **and then memories came back slowly (and according to what I put as canon in the story, more so after Wanda went into her mind).**

 **So yes, this Bucky-centric chapter makes more sense now.**

* * *

Chapter Six: _HYDRA_ / Wakanda

He opens his eyes and instead of scientists poking and prodding at his body, there are three little children; all hunched over, wrapped in darkly coloured cloths, and with white and gold paint around their eyes in different patterns. They all stare at him and he can tell that they're not looking out of fear but with innocent childlike curiosity, he hasn't seen in forever.

Suddenly, they run out. Again, not because of fear but out of a maternal-like figure calling them.

Bucky climbs out of the bed he was asleep in. He stretches his arm and rolls back his shoulder before standing on his feet. He walks out of the little hut, crouching a little to get out of the doorway.

Instantly, the light hits him and it isn't brainwashing electrodes but the natural sunlight. Once his eyes adjust, he sees the bright sun high up in the sky. Below, there's green grass that stretches out endlessly, contrasting against the sparkling still water that makes up the river.

There a small chattering sound nearby. Bucky turns over and sees a neighbouring hut with a family and their children. They don't show any concern for him and that only tells him that it all worked. King T'Challa, Princess Shuri, and their scientists no longer see him as HYDRA's monster because he can be trusted around their citizens, especially the children.

He can feel the difference in his mind. Sure, it could still use a few small tweaks to really feel fixed, but as of right now, it feels empty in a good way. It feels as if he was finally in control and there wasn't someone pulling the strings.

He feels free.

Going under was a good choice _but the rushed whispers unnerve him. The soft voices are supposed to act as a lullaby and put the young girls to sleep, but it will only haunt them in their nightmares. The voices will constantly tell them that they're not good enough; that they'll have to fight harder and kick stronger, fire guns so loud that it will mute the cries of mercy from their enemies._

 _But they didn't want to hear that at this time. They just wanted to rest._ _Sometimes, the girls would fake sleeping just so the voices will leave. But if the voices caught them in an act, they would be put to sleep for good._

 _James stops in the slightly opened doorway of the dormitory. He peeks inside and sees the girls lying in their beds, handcuffed to the bed framed and tucked under their sheets. They might as well be suffocated by the pillows underneath their heads (which is how they enter a permanent sleep if they're naughty. And they make sure all the other girls watch). In the centre of the room circling them all is one of the head soldiers._

 _"_ _There are wolves in the night," the soldier tells the little girls, "and there are stories about wolves and girls who stay up past their bedtime. Girls in red, all alone in the woods about to be eaten up. Wolves and girls both have sharp teeth."_

 _James backs away from the door. He turns around but doesn't move from the spot. He glances down at his metal arm and sees his dark and jagged reflection due to the dimly lit fluorescent lights from the ceiling. He doesn't think he looks like a wolf in the night but a_ Black Panther heads his way. Bucky looks up and sees King T'Challa approaching him with General Okoye and another guard who carried a rectangular suitcase. He is surprised to see this group since he is usually accustomed to seeing Shuri and/or a scientist, sometimes the two.

 _"_ And what of this one?" Okoye asks her king as the other guard sets the box down on top of a rock.

"He may be tired of war, but the White Wolf has rested long enough," T'Challa responds.

Bucky brushes off his hand to make sure there was no hay from the bales he was heaving from his farm work left on him. The two men don't greet each other because they know this isn't another casual meeting for small talk. It's business, specifically combat-related business. They both look at the guard and he opens the box before backing away. King T'Challa and Bucky step closer, looking at its content: a brand new arm.

Bucky's eyes never leave the new arm. His old one was destroyed in Siberia by Tony Stark and the rest of it was taken off by Wakanda's scientists before he went under. Seeing this new one and having it brought to him only meant that King T'Challa needed him for battle. He wasn't going to be their weapon under their control, but a fighter by his side. And Bucky was going to do it not only out of the goodness that's still inside of him but out of debt for all that Wakanda has done for him when they didn't have to.

"Where's the fight?" Bucky asks, keeping his eyes on the arm.

"On its way," King T'Challa responds.

Bucky doesn't further question any more details of what's to come. Based on the appearance of the new arm alone, he could estimate the severity of what's to come. Now, he has to suit up, _not responding with words or facial expressions. He couldn't care less about what he did because it feels like his mind is lacking the part of his brain that manages emotions. He is their weapons, he only fires where they aim him at._

 _"_ _We would celebrate this joyous event of Director Fury's death, but you have another mission to complete."_

 _James looks up with his stone-cold expression. As much as he would like to just go back under, it's not like he would have much of a choice. It would be better for him to just follow their orders than have their code words burn into his mind. At least it would make him sleep better at the end of the day._

 _"_ _Your next target is Captain America," they tell him._

 _"_ _No," James responds automatically._

 _They are taken aback by his rejection. If given a few more seconds, they would've started repeating that grocery list of trigger words and mindlessly sent him on his way._

 _"_ _He is a fugitive of SHIELD as we speak," James explains. "They're probably on his ass right now and they might spot me which will expose HYDRA's infiltration on SHIELD. There's a chance one of your people will not be the one tattling."_

 _"_ _Steve Rogers is a menace to HYDRA just like he was back in the 40s and you must exterminate him as you did to Nick Fury. We have to make our rise now and eliminate all outstanding threats. Agent Carter already retired so we don't have to worry about her. She'll die off eventually."_

 _A gun is thrusted into his hands as a belt of extra small weapons is attached to the belt on his waist. James takes his mask and goggles in his hands but doesn't put them on yet. So much for trying to reject a mission and save their resources for better threats. Still, there was no chance he wasn't going to be sent. Missions were inevitable at this point, especially now during the gradual rise of HYDRA's infection on SHIELD. They should be happy that they already have a lot of tentacles on the inside, especially Alexander Pierce._

 _"_ _Just a warning," they say as James puts on his mask, "Captain Rogers might have some allies on his side. Most notably, The Black Widow."_

 _James raises an eyebrow because he didn't expect his ally to be from their own handbook. "A Black Widow?"_

 _"_ _Natasha Romanoff."_

 _James mutters that name repeatedly a few times. He feels gears in his mind turn and grind on that name before they freeze. It sounds so familiar yet strange, right yet wrong. It feels like a choppy version of what he once remembered being smooth and sleek._

 _"_ _Do not worry about her," they say, "she will only be a distraction like back in the days you don't remember. If you were able to train her, you will surely be able to squish her like the bug she is. Don't you remember what kind of weapon you are?"_

"A semi-stable one-hundred-year-old man," Bucky responds to King T'Challa with a smirk on his face as he approaches Steve and his team.

Bucky, fully prepared for battle, happily makes his way over to The Avengers. He notices Steve's altered uniform and long hair with a matching beard, hinting at how long it's been since they last saw each other. They hug, patting one another on the backs. Despite a seemingly inevitable battle around the corner, they were both smiles at this reunion. No threat could come after them now.

"How are you doing, Buck?" Steve asks him.

"Not bad for the end of the world," Bucky replies. It sounded a bit sarcastic but he actually meant it.

Bucky glances at who else he brought. He doesn't recognize some of them but the ones he does are from the airport battle in Germany. At least they're all now on the same side. Bucky spots Natasha Romanoff, The Black Widow who sided with Tony Stark but let them go. Her hair is now short and platinum blonde. The red curls are gone which means that, just like Steve, she has truly been undercover this whole time. And like Washington and Munich, she has never left his side.

Bucky didn't look at Natasha much. They made eye contact for a quick second and followed that with a courteous yet salutatory nod. There was this mutual respect shared by the two of them: they both knew that they shared a past together but it was unclear on how much the other knows and what exactly went down back in the day. They never spoke about it and maybe it was better that way.

After all, there was a battle on the way. There was no time for small talk.

However, as she picks up the pace, she looks at him again and even if her mouth doesn't budge, her eyes give a more welcoming smile. Then, _her chin is pointed upwards again and her arms follow in pursuit, shaping a circle around her head._

 _James leans against the doorframe, watching Natalia as she performs another one of her ballet routines. Her whole body is tense, hair pulled back in a tight bun on top of her head, and her face is expressionless. Her legs are pressed together and her toes are turned as far outwards as they could possibly go. Then, she stretches out one of her legs and the matching arm follows gracefully; her hand flutters outwards._

 _James knows that Natalia only comes here when they've hurt her. Ballerinas always hurt underneath and make their pain look beautiful - an effortlessly graceful routine._

 _He watches as she piques around in circles on her pointed toes. She holds her head up high as if she was lost in the dance, bending the knee parallel to the other leg with each new turn. Next, Natalia struts around before launching herself into a jeté. Her legs spring outwards and that's when James lets himself into the dance studio._

 _The moment Natalia lands on her feet, he grabs her by the waist and spins her around so that she's facing him. Natalia looks at him like a porcelain doll: glassy, bewildered eyes. She piercingly stares right past him, knowing that she should break out of his grasp and continue her routine but doesn't because she feels warmer in this position._

 _James has experienced this incident many times before: Natalia just came out of another mind-altering session and she has no idea who he is other than her trainer. Any and every romantic interaction between the two of them was lost fiction in her mind. Despite the sessions blurring over her memories, James noticed that Natalia always gravitated to him anyways, as if she was looking for something she wasn't sure was missing. It's like her instinct knew he would have the answers she was looking for. The only problem with that is he would go to her for the same reasons._

 _Natalia's delicate hands rest on his broad shoulders as her eyes finally look right into his. By the way his hands go up and down her body and the way his eyes search hers in the dark, all angst is replaced with desire. He knows that she wants this even if her mind is empty right now. She isn't even stopping it but allowing it. She wants it. She needs it._

 _They can't stop them…not this time._

 _He comes in closer, leaning over her and kissing her with care. She can sense conflict within his grip on her. He's rough yet gentle. It's almost as if he's angry at her but he isn't - he's angry at the big men in charge for doing this to them. He almost can't help himself but love her. He's a supposed war hero and she's a supposed prima ballerina; they're the poster couple that their superiors don't want up on the walls._

 _But what could she ever see in a monster who might one day shred her to pieces because he had no control over his actions? Maybe it was better for her to forget him. He could tear through her leotard in seconds, rip her hair out of the bun, and use his love for her to restore her memories._

 _It all started as something pure and exciting, then came the mistakes and consequences._

 _If only_ they had more time.

While The Avengers met with Shuri to strategize a way to get the Mind Stone out of Vision's head without killing him, Bucky stands outside with Sam. They look up to Wakanda's skies and notice Thanos' army arriving. Bucky and Sam both grip their weapons as the ships begin to crash onto Wakanda's protective dome. The ships explode on contact, making the two of them feel a little more at ease. At least for now, they have time.

"I love Wakanda…" James mutters _._ Their barriers combined with their work on his mind get him to realize how much he loves it here.

More ships continue to fall from the sky. They could only hope that they get the Mind Stone out and destroy it before it's too late.

* * *

 **I could be wrong, but some internet sources have told me that HYDRA and The Red Room were somewhat connected. I don't know. It confused me but I just rolled with it.**

 **The next chapter will be our kickass battle scenes from** ** _Infinity War_** **. I can't wait!**


	7. The Angel's Symphony Gala (Wakanda)

**So this is the big battle chapter. It's a long one and be warned, the ending of this is emotional (you should know what's coming).**

 ** _Note_** **\- the flashbacks (The Angel's Symphony Gala) is an event that I created. It is all one mission broken up into several parts throughout this chapter.**

* * *

Chapter Seven: _The Angel's Symphony Gala /_ Wakanda

In between the city of Wakanda and the barrier where Thanos' forces attempt to break in, Wakanda's warriors all stand in pacts, chanting their battle cry led by their King T'Challa. In two lines on both sides of the King stand The Avengers who are present. Suddenly, at the signal of Proxima slashing her dagger through the air, more of Thanos' aliens comes from the insides of the burning forest, charging towards them. It's as if they knew the barrier was going to be opened and a fight will inevitably start.

"What the hell…" Bucky mutters as he watches all this.

Steve remains silent as he and Proxima stare intensely and angrily at each other. On Steve's other side, Natasha looks at the two of them. She knows what they're both thinking of and it brings her back to Edinburgh.

"Looks like we pissed her off," she mutters.

The aliens try to make their way through the barrier, slicing their own limbs and bodies just to try and get inside. Some of them manage to get through and start running up to them. The Wakandian warriors lift their cloaks and miniature forcefields activate. They point their spears ahead and at T'Challa's command, they all fire. Sam flies in from above to do the same. By his side, Rhodey sends a rainfall of explosives that take out a lot at the border.

When the flames die down, they notice that the aliens are circling their way around the barrier, closer to the city where Vision and the mind stone are.

"Cap," Bruce says, "if these things circle the perimeter and get in behind us, there is nothing between them and Vision."

"We better keep them in front of us," Steve says sternly.

"How do we do that?" Okoye asks her king.

T'Challa glances at her. "We open the barrier." He puts two fingers to his earpiece. "At my signal: open northwest section seventeen."

From the other end, Shuri needs confirmation on if she heard that order correctly which he affirms.

"This will be the ending of Wakanda," M'Baku says.

"Then, it will be the noblest ending in history," Okoye determinably states.

Steve unleashes his new shield as the warriors lower their cloaks and pull them behind him. T'Challa steps out past them, taking the lead as he crosses his arms together in their signature X across the chest.

"Wakanda forever!" He exclaims as loud as possible as his panther mask forms on his head.

They all begin running towards the dome at top speed. At the King's command, the dome pixilates away in a translucent blue film starting from the top. On cue, they start fighting for their lives _and all eyes turn on them. They played the part of a dangerously beautiful poster couple coming from an abundance of wealth: a rugged, polished war hero in his sharpest tux with his slender woman on his arm. His domineering presence looks as if he will hurt anyone who comes near them. Her hair is straightened to the point where it looks as sharp as a blade, matching her eyes that dart around the room. Her dress is sleek and dark, showing off her small figure and making her steps look as if she's walking on clouds. It contrasts the jewelry on her neck and ears, that glimmer every time the light hits them._

 _The Angel's Symphony Gala is warm enough that the many women present could fearlessly wear their best heels, dresses with long trains, fake fur shawls, but not so warm that they bailed to take a day on their yachts. Behind the glitz and glamour galore, there is an unspoken culture of shrewd politics, unspoken expectations, and ulterior motives. A portion of the attendees present is blind when it comes to the arms dealers, corrupt business launderers, and guests with nefarious connections and money accounts in questionable banks containing currencies with questionable legitimacy. Ethical concerns are the least of their problems when coming up with a number containing many placeholders. Every gala has donors with vague backstories and an untraceable growing stash of illegal cash. In those cases, asking and telling is how they'll arrange and pay for your funeral._

 _That was James and Natalia's mission; specifically, to get their hands on the powerful weapons lingering around in the hushed whispers. Surely, they look like a couple who has some up their sleeves so maybe they will get the others approaching them the moment they reach the bottom of the stairwell._

 _"_ _What if nobody talks to us?" James says, turning his head so it looks like he's whispering sweet nothings in her ears only to make the other women swoon._

 _Natalia turns her head and covers her mouth as she whispers back, "Then we'll talk to each other."_

 _A small laugh escapes his mouth. "And what would we say?"_

 _Natalia lowers her hand. She looks up at him with a bold look in her eyes._ "She's not alone."

Proxima turns around with a snarl on her face and sees Natasha frowning at her. The assassin is covered in dry dirt but still ready to fight and protect Wanda. Proxima turns around and sees General Okoye behind her, spinning her spear above her head and around her shoulder before pointing it directly at her. Proxima growls as she leaps on the wall of the ditch as momentum for launching herself at Natasha, sending her dagger in the same downward motion. Natasha blocks it with her baton and as Proxima tries to slice it at her again, Okoye runs around and approaches Natasha from behind, fighting by her side.

They all look up and see one of the dropships rolling their way. All of them duck and when Natasha lifts her head back up, Proxima kicks her in the chin. Natasha hits the dirt wall and falls to the ground as Proxima grabs Okoye by the neck and tosses her over. Natasha gets back on her feet and holds her electrified batons in a cross above her face as Proxima's dagger stabs against it.

Natasha works her way backwards due to Proxima forcing her that way. Eventually, Natasha falls on her back and Proxima pins her down. She aims her dagger at Natasha's neck and she grunts as she barely blocks it with her baton. She could still feel the cool metal right on her skin. Then, Natasha sees Proxima being wrapped in Wanda's red powers. Instantly, the alien is being lifted into the air and sent straight into the grinding wheels of another rolling dropship.

Natasha feels the blue blood-like substance splatter on her face and she pants as she leans upwards, seeing Wanda and Okoye on the ground nearby.

"That was really gross…" Natasha mutters, wiping the blood off her face.

The three of them get up and Natasha grabs _a glass of champagne and holds it in between her well-manicured fingertips. She sees James talking so some of the breadwinner husbands, looking as casual as he could in this setting. Despite the men being in charge when it comes to society, charity galas are one of the few venues where the women solidly hold the power and the chequebooks. Outside the ballroom doors, they may take second-place to their high-earning patriarchy counterparts, be dismissed for frivolous tastes, and judged for their choice to be stay-at-home moms who hire nannies; these women are the queen of the social amazon. They make the rules and command the atmosphere of the room._

 _"_ _You must be treated well back home," one of the wives compliments._

 _Natalia smiles through her pursed lips. "That's not the adjective I'd use."_

 _If only these women knew her situation. She wasn't a socialite. She was an assassin who was treated through various forms of torture. This tight ballgown and cosmetic lipstick were not her everyday life. She kills people, not this platform._

 _"_ _How long have you known your husband?" Another woman asks her._

 _Natalia looks at her before glancing at James for a second. Their cover story for the event had to be that they were married. It only made sense. No man brings their girlfriends or mistresses to these type of events. It would only tarnish their already splotchy reputation. Now, these women were asking questions about her unknown cover story. For all she knows, it could help the mission and get the wives to give them what they need. She needs these women to glorify their relationship so they could give some assets._

 _"_ _I was a young woman when we first met," Natalia responds. "It was under an unfortunate circumstance. We were never meant to be together."_

 _"But you are now."_

 _Natalia slowly nods as she suddenly thinks that these gala attendees aren't the ones with relative gains in mind. She then_ _excuses herself as she walks up to James who was currently conversing with the husbands of the night. She puts on an acted bright smile as she greets the men of the gala and wraps an arm around James' disguised metal one tightly. She looks up at him and excuses them from the conversation. He didn't expect for Natalia to pull him out like that but, then again, he didn't expect to see_ a raccoon by his side screaming and firing an intergalactic rifle.

"Come and get some, space dogs!" The raccoon yells as he continues firing.

And it talks…of course, it does. After seeing aliens, that doesn't surprise James anymore. If the raccoon is an ally, he might as well help. It looked as if it was having fun. If only Bucky could feel the same.

In fact, when more aliens come their way like a pack of dogs, Bucky uses his free hand to pick up the raccoon who yelps a bit when he's suddenly hoisted into the air. Bucky holds his arms out and spins in circles, shooting in sync with the raccoon so they could get more aliens than they would've on their own. When they're in the clear, Bucky drops the raccoon back on the ground.

"How much for the gun?" The raccoon asks him.

"Not for sale," Bucky responds, holding his gun up high again to continue fighting.

"Okay…how much for the gun?"

Bucky gives him a strange look and walks away. He doesn't have time for that.

He hears the raccoon reload. "Oh, I'll get that arm."

Bucky sighs to himself as he continues _spinning Natalia around the dance floor. They come close again as the orchestra continues playing their symphony. The two of them blend right in with the other dancing couples, following their directions. James looks up from Natalia for a moment and sees some of the guards around trying to subtly eye them and fail. James pretends not to notice and leans his head into Natalia's hair to cover his lips so they won't read them._

 _"_ _We have to escape after this," he whispers to her. "I don't care what happens but I can't survive another day where we'll have our minds erased just because of our feelings for one another."_

 _"_ _They'll find us again," Natalia responds, leaning into the crook of his neck and faking a pleasant smile._

 _"_ _Not if we leave now."_

 _"_ _James - "_

 _"_ _Natalia, they send us on a mission together. They would never do that unless they have a plan."_

 _"_ _I know. They've been staring at us the moment we walked in and it was for more than just our looks."_

 _James winks at her. "I love you."_

 _Before Natalia could say those words back, they stop dancing and he grabs her face to kiss her. They part and her dark red lipstick tints his lips. He already walks away before she could stop him from_ running straight into the mad titan himself. Bucky opens fire non-stop as he gets closer. Thanos only holds up that gauntlet and the purple stone glows, emitting its power onto Bucky and forcing him to the ground.

Behind Bucky, Okoye throws her spear at Thanos as she sprints ahead. The mad titan doesn't even blink. He only makes a fist with the gauntlet and a purple force emitting from his weapon stops hers and he pushes her away as if she was nothing but a bug. Okoye flies over Natasha's head as she sprints over. She wasn't even close to Thanos before the ground beneath her feet erupted into large spikes of solid Earth. Natasha tumbles to the ground, landing on her back and feeling like a spider trapped in its web.

She grunts, trying to break free and her _eyes shoot open as she sits up on the ballroom floor. All around her is chaos: guests run out screaming, husbands cover their wives, and gunfire pours from the indoor balconies, aimed at her and James._

 _They've been compromised by their own creators. They should've seen that coming because, at the end of the night, nobody really stays for dessert._

 _Natalia looks down at her chest and sees bullet holes in the chest of her dress. She shoves her fingers inside and pulls out the bullets. Lucky for her, her corset doubled as a kevlar. She tears the skirt of her dress and pulls out the gun attached to a thigh holster. Natalia rises and immediately starts firing back, sending some assailants down to the ground. She approaches James who's doing the same. He has lost his tuxedo jacket and tie, and his metal arm has torn through his white dress shirt._

 _When some soldiers come down the staircase, Natalia holsters her gun and charges over to them. She rips off her necklace and it clings onto the neck of a Soviet soldier, electrocuting him like one of her widow bites. He falls on his knees and Natalia uses him as a boost: she steps on his falling torso and jumps to the side, kicking another one over. When more soldiers emerge from a nearby door, Natalia rips off her stilettos, exposing the heel as a dagger. She whips one forwards and it hits the centre of one's chest. She runs forwards and slices ahead._

 _"_ _James!" Natalia exclaims._

 _James glances at her for a second. He watches through his peripheral vision as she pulls out her earrings. She tosses them upwards and with his perfect aim, he fires. Her earrings are micro bombs that mimic a real explosion. When they erupt, the glass ceiling shatters. Shards of glass pour down like rain. Before they have to cover their eyes, James and Natalia, who are almost across the ballroom from one another, make eye contact for a quick second._

 _"_ _Run," he tells her, "I will see you soon."_

 _Natalia nods as she sprints through the rainfall of glass shards. She covers her eyes as she makes her way to the exit._

 _Little did she know at the time that The Red Room would drag her back in by her hair. And little did she know that the gala would be the last time she saw James before he_ felt something strange suddenly happening to him. For the first time in Wakanda, his body didn't feel like his own. It was as if the healing never happened: it felt as if someone was pulling him away from his reality again and as if his body was deteriorating but he couldn't put a stop to it.

Bucky exhales. Looking ahead, he sees Steve. He doesn't know what to do and he needs help right now.

"Steve…?"

He didn't even get to see his friend look back at him. He was already gone in a pile of _glass shards that scrape her body as she falls to the ground. The electricity coats her body and the gunfire stops. James lowers his gun and sees Natalia lying on the ground unconscious. Nearby, he sees their Red Room superiors walking in. Their facial expressions show a combination of pride and disappointment: pride towards the successfully planned compromise of their best weapons; disappointment because their best weapons have flaws._

 _They won't kill her because they need her. They'll just fry up her brain and she'll forget this whole night ever happened. That's what they're going to do for him if he can't stop it._

 _James roars like a monster as he begins firing at them non-stop. Some fall over, bleeding to their deaths and before he could finish them off -_

 _"_ _Longing, rusted, furnace."_

 _James forces himself to cover his ears. He grunts and screams, dropping his gun to the ground and trying to block out their voices but he can't. Their footsteps come closer as the words become louder._

 _"_ _Daybreak, seventeen, benign, nine, homecoming."_

 _He. Can't. Resist. Anymore._

 _"_ _One, freight car."_

 _His mind resets and his arms lower from his head. He raises his head and his expression is as blank as ever. He's now compliant to whatever they want him to do. He's their weapon, their Winter Soldier. Right now, he doesn't care about The Black Widow that lies on the ground. She's only a distraction that_ runs as fast as she can through the jungles of Wakanda. Everyone around her is vanishing into piles of dark dust because Thanos did the mighty snap. All she has to do now is find her team and make sure she doesn't disappear.

At first, she sees nobody which scares her. She doesn't want to be the only one left standing.

Her heart is racing as fast as it ever has. She has been an independent agent for so long and then a team member. And now, she doesn't want to be a solo. She can't.

She needs to have a team left even if it's one other person.

Natasha turns and skids to a stop when she sees Thor, the raccoon he showed up with, Rhodey, and Bruce all standing to the side in an eerie silence. She stops just ahead of them when she sees Steve crouches on the ground in front of a lifeless and colourless Vision body with the mind stone ripped out of his head. Natasha stands behind him, looking over. She doesn't need to see anyone else's face or have any type of conversation because she knows that they all feel the same.

"…oh god…" is all Steve could say at their unfortunate defeat.

This is all who's left. The others are gone.

Nobody knows how this could have happened or what did happen, but at the same time, they know the answers.

Natasha can't fathom what just happened because she can't think of what to do next - if they could do anything. She puts a hand over her stomach because she suddenly feels nauseous and can't catch her breath. She didn't think this battle would've ended like this.

They're the only survivors.

Thanos has won and not only did they lost some of their own, but they also lost half of the universe. They're not sure what their next move is now because right now, it looked like there was nothing they could do. He _seemed gone forever._

 _"_ _He sure loved you, Natalia," they say to her. Their words weren't out of empathy but a bitter pity._

 _"_ _I think it was because we both hated everything," she says, glaring right up at them. If her glance alone could kill, they would all be dead._

 _"_ _Well, you definitely didn't hate each other and now he paid the price for that. Black Widows kill their mates, you know that."_

 _Natalia doesn't believe that. She may have that codename, but it's only a title. She isn't a real spider._

 _After the ceiling exploded on top of them in the ballroom, Natalia woke up in the recovery room back in her own personal hell. She hasn't heard from James nor did her superiors or any of the other Black Widows tell her anything. They knew absolutely nothing._

 _For once, they didn't brainwash her into forgetting this. They let her keep this memory for now so she could learn from it; so that she will understand how toxic these feelings are and how they'll hinder her thoughts and performance. This was the one time she would've preferred the electrodes intruding in on her thoughts and changing them._

 _After their first romantic entanglement in The Red Room, their officials immediately put a stop to it. Their long separations have been the most epic part of their romances. Being ruined almost as coincidentally as their minds were messed with only made their love even better because they helped each other through the trauma. Now, their feelings became too real and this time, The Red Room got rid of him._

 _"_ _Natalia…" They tell her slowly. "The Winter Soldier is dead."_

 _Natalia scoffs, rising to her feet and staring right at them with an expression as cold as his code name. She doesn't believe for one bit that he was dead. She knows that they decided to fake his demise so that she could focus on the job rather than their feelings for one another. She could only imagine that they were doing the same thing to him but with her death._

 _"_ _If you want to think he's dead, then he's alive," Natalia tells them firmly. "And if you want to think you're safe, then he's coming after you."_

* * *

 **That ending was hard for me to write. This story makes me too emotional for my own good.**

 **As of right now, this story will be put on hiatus again. I will be back after I watch _Avengers_** ** _Endgame_** **, granted that I survive it. (Oh, who am I kidding, that movie will kill all of us).**

 **Thank you all for reading this story up to this point. Please let me know what you thought of the story. I hope it won't be another five months until new chapters but who knows...**


	8. Fury's Grave (Avengers Headquarters)

**So much for hiatus, am I right? But this chapter isn't supposed to exist but not only did I feel inspired by the post-credit scene of** ** _Captain Marvel_** **(which is in the chapter below so spoilers if you haven't seen it - I haven't even seen the movie but watched this specific scene on Instagram) and a scene in** ** _CATWS_** **which I should've put earlier in the story but forgot it existed. So, I combined the two. The present is the** ** _Captain Marvel_** **post-credit scene and the flashbacks is the aftermath of the** ** _CATWS_** **scene (the end-ish of the movie).**

 **(Also, all the _Endgame_ promos are giving me anxiety).**

* * *

Chapter Eight: _Nick Fury's Grave /_ Avengers Headquarters:

 _Not so long ago, Natasha Romanoff uploaded all of SHIELD and HYDRA's secure files to the internet._

 _Not only are their secrets exposed but Natasha's are as well._

 _She doesn't regret making a decision that upset a lot of good people. She is not responsible for their happiness but for the safety of the majority. Besides, if they had nothing to hide, then they shouldn't mind now, should they? Natasha had no choice but to reveal everything. Even when her own secrets were on the line, she couldn't fight back because defending herself, in that scenario, would have been worse because she would've looked like the one with bigger secrets to hide._

 _Now, the world knows all about the Black Widow she is, the Black Widow who did the absolute worst that anyone could do. And then there was the stuff that even her closest allies didn't know. Her entire past that SHIELD had on file is out there for the world to see. All of her secrets are out, the many scars on her body on display for the public to see. She thought they healed, but not as much. Now that her old wounds are aired out, she can now breathe._

 _But, nonetheless, she still has to make a new identity for herself just to cover up her exposure. She still has the right to keep some things to herself._

 _She had a plan to go but first had to complete a personal request from Steve. Thankfully, she still has some past associates in Kiev who were not only willing to help her but had information on Bucky and his experimental origins. It was old and in Russian and even though Natasha didn't want to look it over, she did. It sent painful impulses to every one of those scars on her body, specifically where they would be inflicted on James' body. Some of those procedures were administered on her as well. It was also a chance for Natasha to find out as much as she can as to what happened to James after The Red Room._

 _It was always a mystery. Sometimes, she would see him on a mission like when he shot right through her. And just like the bullet, he saw right through her._

 _Natasha also had to make sure she wasn't mentioned in the file._

 _It felt both unnerving and temporarily relieving to hand the file over to Steve. Now, it was in his hands so it shouldn't be her problem anymore but the scars will forever be on her body. Steve will be out to look for Bucky's and, possibly, he will find hers as well. Steve knows that Natasha has them, he just doesn't know that they're the same as his old friend's._

 _Steve's soft cheek met her trembling lips when she reached up to kiss him. It was the only thing that could ease her nerves right now. They were partners outside of The Avengers and now, they were going to be going down their own paths in completely different directions, unsure of when they would meet again. Steve was heading towards The Winter Soldier's past and Natasha was going the other way. She finds it odd that they're both haunted by someone still alive. They can only feel it by the empty space its absence level behind._

 _"_ _Be careful, Steve," she told him, "you might not want to pull on that thread."_

 _She had to warn him but that wouldn't stop him. She realized that she wouldn't have stopped either if she was in his place._

 _They've been through a lot even if they don't know it. They've matured with damage more than years._

 _Natasha exits the graveyard, seeing Nick Fury still sitting in his parked car. As she approaches him, he rolls down the window and pokes his head out a little._

 _"_ _You sure you don't want to join me?" Fury asks. "Maybe you'll find something for yourself along the way."_

 _She knows that he's going to Europe to handle the remaining HYDRA heads out there as a way to create his new identity. Steve and Sam already declined and so did she, but his offer seems to be an attempt to help her with her identity search._

 _Natasha shakes her head again even though the offer is admittedly tempting. "No, sir, that would contradict finding new identities now, wouldn't it?"_

 _Fury nods. "Fair point, Romanoff, if that's still your name."_

 _Natasha smirks. She glances inside of Fury's car and sees a file sitting on the passenger's seat, knowing that Fury kept something even though he burnt all of them._ _Natasha tilts her head to get a better look at it and first sees the_ number of lives decimated increase on the holographic in front of them. They couldn't believe that there were ever this many lives on the planet and now they're gone. Her ledger was no longer clear, it was staining with more splotches of dark red as the number continues to rise. Natasha didn't even think that numbers could go that high but they continue to skyrocket - and this was based on only Earth. She had no idea how the rest of the universe beyond their planet was impacted by the snap.

"It's a nightmare," Steve says with his eyes fixed on the growing numbers.

"I've had better nightmares," Natasha responds.

And this was all because they lost. They lost the biggest battle they ever could. Natasha would give anything if it meant they could go back and win.

Rhodey enters the room, causing Natasha and Steve to look over at him.

"Hey, so, that thing stopped doing whatever the hell it was doing," James tells them.

Natasha glances up at Steve to see what they were going to do about it. They follow Rhodey into the laboratory where they see that pager Nick Fury had set off before he dusted. Natasha _finally gets a read on the file and why it is so important for him to keep. Fury catches her looking and puts the file in his car's glove compartment even though he knows that Natasha already got a look at it._

 _"_ _Danvers?" Natasha questions, saying the name she read on it._

 _"_ _She was like my Winter Soldier or like your associates in Kiev," Fury responds._

 _"_ _A weapon brainwashed to kill you but you still wanted to save her and whatnot? Or a ghost from your past who you think you'll never see again but then run into them? Or someone you only go when you need an impossible favour and you can only hope that they'll respond?"_

 _"_ _Something like that."_

 _Natasha doesn't question which of the options it is because James was that to not only Steve but her as well. He was never meant to kill her physically but emotionally. They were both hurt by their trainers which resulted in them letting out their pent up aggression towards each other in a fiery passion. And now, there was nothing but a shadow of a man she isn't sure if she knows anymore. The shell is the same but that's all it is now: empty._

 _She doesn't remember her first impression of James, but she remembers experiencing him. It's strange how much and how desperately she could miss someone she doesn't exactly remember meeting. But seeing how happy she feels gives her a glimmer of hope. Maybe if their hell was never around, they could've had a shot at a normal relationship. Hope doesn't give up on you. It's patient and waits for you to notice._

 _Natasha looks up and suddenly realizes that Fury's car is already gone. She turns around, seeing which way he went and there are no traces. Natasha can't help but smirk to herself_ before her expression drops. She stands by her remaining teammates as they all stare at the — that Fury had. It was beeping non-stop since they retrieved it. They had no idea what it was or why Fury had it, except for that it was sending a signal somewhere. Their only guess is that Fury set it off before he disappeared into dust. And now, they could only wait to find out what it all meant. It was old technology compared to what's available now which is why it was so difficult to work with.

"What have we got?" Natasha asks as they all look at the pager.

"Another signal sent before it finally crapped out," Bruce responds.

"I thought we bypassed the battery," Steve states.

"We did," Rhodes tells him. "It's still plugged in, it just stopped."

Steve looks down for a split second to try and think of a new plan. "Reboot. Send the signal again."

"But we don't even know what this is," Bruce argues.

"Fury did," Natasha says, knowing that Fury would not put them at risk with an unknown device now of all times. "It was obviously important. Tell me the second you get a signal. I want to know who's on the other end."

Natasha and the others turn around and see someone unknown suddenly there. The unfamiliar woman looks to have a strong build with medium cut blonde hair that just drapes over the shoulders of her bright red and blue suit with gold trimmings in a star pattern. Her face looks both confused yet she already knows the answers to her questions which makes her pissed off at the same time. How she got in here? They don't know and, to be fair, it didn't seem to matter anymore because she is here and not leaving any time soon.

"Where's Fury?" She asks.

And Natasha knows - the signal didn't crap out because it wasn't needed anymore.

The one on the other end is here.

* * *

 **I'd say that I'm going on hiatus again until** ** _Avengers Endgame_** **but, let's be real, that movie will be the death of me. And let's be real, I'll probably be back soon with some other scene I missed (I know I missed another post-credits scene that I may end up doing because I love writing this story).**


	9. The Smithsonian (The Soul World)

**Okay, guys, I still haven't seen** ** _Endgame_** **but I know what happens. If you have seen** ** _Endgame_** **or know what happens, then you know how the dynamic of this story will change. So, I will need some more time to think about those chapters. But, in the meantime, here is a chapter that acts as sort of a prelude to the events of** ** _Endgame_** **and focuses on another end-credit scene I wanted to write.**

 **THIS CHAPTER WILL NOT SPOIL** ** _ENDGAME_** **FOR THOSE WHO HAVE NOT SEEN IT YET!**

* * *

Chapter Nine: _The Smithsonian_ / The Soul World

 _He walks around the vast room he's in, inhaling the sent of standard cleaning products and old artifacts. Just ahead of him is the centre of attention: a gigantic museum wall with a candid yet realistic art piece of a fully uniformed and armed Captain America right in the front. He stands heroically with his partners and teammates by his side on their own panels, one of which, he's been told, is him. In front of that wall display are mannequins on pedestals, each one in front of the person in the photo wearing replicas the outfit presented._

 _Odd enough, Captain America's uniform is missing so the museum covered his display and deemed it as temporarily unavailable._

 _He returns his focus back to the rest of the museum. Kids ogle around with their parents, looking and learning in awe as they walk around. A part of him is here for the same reasons. Tourists stand beside pictures of Captain America and his crew, their camera snapping shots to make it look like their friends and comrades._

 _James is supposed to be a friend and comrade of Captain America. That's what the spangled man said to him the whole time as well as every piece of information around this place. It all leads him all to wonder_ where the hell he is.

He landed on his back in an environment of fog. He doesn't know or remember how he got here. All he knows is nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Bucky couldn't even say it all went black because nothing happened. All he can comprehend is _walking through the museum with his head facing downwards, his hood was thrown over, and hands shoved in his pockets. He brushes past people, trying not to be noticeable. Thankfully, they're all in a room of attractions that they seem more interested in looking at rather than him._

 _He stops in front of a glass display that catches his eye because he notices that he's looking at himself with the name: James Buchanan Barnes. That's the name and identity Captain America tried to convince him that he was. Captain America surrendered their final fight because he said they were going to be together till the end of the line. And then, James pulled him out of the water to make sure he didn't drown. He wasn't sure why he did that but it felt right._

 _James reads the little blurbs of information provided under that name, words that are supposed to be a description of the life of Bucky Barnes, and it all just goes through his head numbly._

 _They make no sense but, at the same time, they make complete sense._

 _Memory is a tricky thing, but the reality is even trickier. Once you made up your mind about something, it was hard to comprehend that the truth could be something else. There's no point in wondering. That was his life; there's no asking what if because it's right in front of him. No one else could ever give him answers, right? Even this museum's information has a bias because it has to be family friendly for all the kids running around. An institution like this would never openly display any graphic information like the horrors he's experienced. There is power in sharing our stories. Just because it's going to take him longer than others to hear his own story doesn't mean that he failed. He cannot control what he remembers anymore, but he can at least try to control how he remembers from this point forward. Now that he's learning all of this new info about himself, all that's left is how he went from being a soldier in the war on Captain America's side to a weapon of the enemy programmed to kill Captain America._

 _He tries to think back to when he last saw Captain America before_ he gets back on his feet. He notices that he's standing in a shallow pool of water that just covers his feet but nothing about his is damp. He looks at his body and sees that his gun has disappeared but he still has his arm and his uniform.

Bucky raises his head and looks all around him to try and get a good glimpse and understanding of where he is now. Aside from the watery ground he already noticed, he sees that the entire sky is a dim shade of orange, giving the environment an unsettlingly calm ambiance.

Then, it hits him that he shouldn't be here. He was last in Wakanda, wasn't he?

When that tidbit of reality sinks in, he starts hearing it all: people splashing in, crying and screaming for help. It gets so loud and chaotic in his head that the screams start to melt together and even covering his ears does nothing to dim the volume.

He couldn't recognize anyone's scream before they all became one. Where was anyone from Wakanda? Was he the only one here?

But he can't see them. He can only hear them which makes it so much worse because that left his mind to fill in the blank.

Before he loses his mind in the madness, he looks ahead and sees a ballerina standing in the centre of a pavilion. Seeing how unaffected she is by the noise based on how graceful her routine is, he's drawn to her. Her dark red curls follow the frame of her body as she twirls on a pointed toe in the middle of a stream, making ripples strong enough to reach his own feet.

When her eyes meet his, the screaming stops and it's silent. All that seems to matter now is himself and the woman with the stainless white ballet tutu, the long and dark red curls, and cold and blank expression on her face.

Bucky walks over to her, stopping the ripples in water and making his own with his steps. She stops her dancing and walks down the steps of the pavilion until they're standing right in front of each other. She stares up at him, pausing and looking at him longingly. The more Bucky finds himself staring into her eyes, the more familiar they seem.

"What is this?" Bucky asks her.

"I can try to tell you everything you need to know," the ballerina responds.

"You - you can?" He's surprised. "Natalia, how could you know?"

"The same reason why my name rolls of your tongue so easily. You and I have matching scars all over our bodies and in the deep crevices of our minds. I wouldn't advise pricking them open since the ones you know about healed over a vast amount of time. As for the others, it's better to leave them unknown. Before we go on, let me ask you this: if I told your younger self that this moment right here was how it all ended, would you still do go through all of it?"

Bucky thinks through the ballerina's words: how everyone's forgiven him for what he was controlled to do and how it all led up to here. Even after all the fights and trauma, all that's here _is the missing piece to how he went from being a soldier in the war with Captain America to a weapon of the enemy programmed to kill Captain America. He notices that the longer he stares at himself in the tinted glass, he sees his reflection_ in the pupil of her green eyes as they look back at him. They wonder what he wants to know because he's so lost right now.

"…who the hell are you to me?" Bucky asks her.

"Someone you'll never see again," Natalia responds softly and regrettably. If only he knew why she said it like that.

Before he could question her again, she leaps into the air, stretching her legs out to continue her routine. Her curls fly around her, following her trail. The unruly ballerina bounces in the puddles, creating hypnotizing ripples that hypnotize him before the screams come back.

She's dancing to the sound of the suffering of others, making it seem more peaceful and beautiful than it really is, more desirable than it really is. That's what they tried to make his past look like, right? Have all the programming look wanted so they didn't have to justify their actions?

Suddenly, Bucky shatters like he is nothing more than a thin piece of sheet glass. There are sounds that remind him of injured, dying animals, and it takes him a second to realize that he's one of the people making them. He cries so hard that he can't catch his breath. He can't breathe around the pain and confusion that engulfs every sense. The tears sting raw areas on his face and clog his throat, and he couldn't stop. Nobody around him could stop their screams and cries of fear and for help. It's like this storm inside off of them erupted, making everything around them feel unpredictable and severe.

Nothing kills himself more than his own mind. He can't go down that way. Not again…

* * *

 **That little Natasha part was just to keep it connected with this story.** **I personally like it. A little reference scene you could use to find out why I did something like this was that scene in** ** _Infinity War_** **where Thanos visits the Soul World and sees a young Gamora.**

 **Next, we will delve into the** ** _Endgame_** **chapters.** **Oh boy…**


	10. 1991 (2018)

**I'm back! Sorry, it took a while but I didn't see** ** _Endgame_** **until months after its release. Then school happened. But the movie got spoiled for me the night it got released and I felt so numb because of events relevant to this story. But it did give me a good path to go on for the upcoming chapters so I know where I will end this story. (Don't worry, we still have a long way to go)**

* * *

Chapter Ten: _1991_ / 2018

Her knuckles are as pale as her hair as she grips the handle of the coffee cup. She can't force her eyes to focus on anything because they keep on blurring with tears. Even after all the days that passed, she can't believe what was real. But even in her peripheral vision, Natasha can tell that the numbers are going up. All she wanted to do was to wake up from this nightmare, even if that word was too soft to use for this reality.

Her eyes drift to the table in front of her. She looks at the coffee cup in her hands and brings it to her lips where she sees that _her_ _newspaper is dated for this morning: December 17, 1991._

 _Natasha lifts up the paper from her outdoor café table, opening it to get a better read of the front page's article. The formatting is off, margins crooked, and the imaging is blurry. Natasha can tell that this story is breaking news because the original story has been replaced at the last minute. But, regardless, it was the big and bold headline that caught her attention: HOWARD AND MARIA STARK FOUND DEAD AFTER CAR ACCIDENT_.

 _Natasha exhales, feeling her warm breath against her cold lips. She purses them together as she puts down her coffee cup to hold the paper in both hands. Natasha skims the article, trying to get as much as she can about this apparent car accident._

 _The story was full of bullshit. That's all she can say. Even she knows more about it without batting a lash at the text._

 _But the one part of the story that Natasha can't deny was that Howard and Maria Stark are survived by their only son, Anthony Edward_ Stark is finally back after twenty-two days of drifting in space.

They thought he was dead either by the decimation or during his final battle against Thanos. But seeing him in this state made them realize that not only was he alive but he would've died in space if he was left out there for any longer. It would've killed him if he died after the decimation rather than during.

Then Carol's radiant light shines in the sky. They look up and see the spaceship Rocket described. She gently makes her way down, setting the ship on the lawn. Carol stands to the side, looking at Natasha and the others. She gives a single head nod as the door opens.

Tony nearly stumbles out and Steve runs over to help him. He looks defeated, drained, almost as if he would've rather died than live up in the middle of Titan. Natasha would argue that they all felt that but she wasn't the one stranded in zero gravity with no resources. Maybe being up there was better because starving to death would've been her focus instead of this.

"I couldn't stop him," Tony pants out.

"Neither could I," Steve responds. None of them could.

Tony turns to face him with grief evident on his sunken face. "I lost the kid."

"Tony, we lost."

Not wanting to continue that conversation (and she couldn't blame him), Pepper runs up to Tony with fresh tears in her eyes. Ever since they got the memo that Carol found Tony's ship, Pepper was the first one out here waiting for his return. For a moment, Tony looks alive before nearly collapsing in her arms. Natasha's heart swells up as she watches Pepper hug Tony, sobbing into him. The diamond on her engagement rings sparkles in her eye and Natasha _lowers her newspaper. A neutral expression remains on her face as she purses her lips and folds her newspaper. She pinches the folds, making them as sharp as possible._

 _Of course, they would have The Winter Soldier do it. A ruthless machine that they could easily brainwash and throw under the bus in the slim chance he got caught. And Howard would've had no chance of survival against him._

 _They liked to take out threats and they wanted more of the serum that created Captain America. Howard Stark was the win-win. And poor Maria had to go as well because she just so happened to be sitting next to him. Natasha couldn't imagine watching her husband get murdered before being killed by the same man._

 _Who in their right mind would believe this was an accident? The bold headlines_ haunt them again as they show Tony the numbers following the decimation. He was sitting in a wheelchair attached to an IV dripping fluids and nutrients into him. He had colour again but he was still exhausted from seeing this display.

"It's been 23 days since Thanos came to earth," Rhodey tells his friend.

"The world governments are in pieces," Natasha adds. "The parts that are still working are trying to take a census and it looks like he did … he did exactly what he said he was going to do. Thanos wiped out fifty percent of all living creatures."

They're silent for a moment. Even days after experiencing and surviving it, it was still triggering for them to say aloud. This was the one battle they didn't want to lose. This was the one battle they shouldn't have lost.

"Where is he now?" Tony asks, glancing up at his IV as he runs his hand over his face. They should've waited for him to be healthier before talking about what happened.

They look at each other for answers and Natasha _picks up her newspaper again. She begins leafing through the pages to see if there's anything she can use to locate The Winter Soldier. She's acting on emotion, not logic. Hope, not rationality. There would be nothing here. The journalists wouldn't know anything._

 _She's on her own even though she doesn't know what to do. Howard and Maria Stark were dead and there wasn't a chance of bringing them back. The Winter Soldier would never come back for her._

 _But that didn't mean she could try and get to him first. Or at least before his next mission._

 _Natasha gets up, dropping some bills on the table. She puts her coffee mug on top so they don't fly away. She starts walking down the streets_ and Natasha and Steve glance at each other before stopping Carol from going to defeat Thanos and get the stones on her own. She was new here so they didn't know her fighting style. And she didn't know theirs as well.

"Hey, you know, we usually work as a team here," Natasha points out.

"We realize that up there is more your territory but this is our fight too," Steve adds.

"Do you even know where he is?" Rhodey asks her.

"I know people who might," Carol informs them.

She looks at them with a stern expression. Natasha recognizes that expression because she's worn it many times when looking for her targets. Who would dare to stop her when she could possibly do something _to bring him back._

* * *

 **These** ** _Endgame_** **chapters will be an adventure, I can tell you that.**


	11. Finlandia Hall (Avengers Headquarters)

**Oh, look, I'm back. I thought I wouldn't be here till Christmas but I forgot that I started this chapter.**

 **I made up this flashback but, like previous ones, it's based on comic strips I've seen online.**

* * *

Chapter Eleven: _Finlandia Hall_ / Avengers Headquarters

 _A hacked cough barely escapes her mouth as she leans against a wall. She doesn't put all her weight against it since it might crumble behind her. Her mind is a frenzy as she looks up to try and find her way out. Her curls stick to her sweat-drenched face as she tries to breathe. Every direction she looks is the same: engulfing flames looking to swallow her next._

 _The city is destroyed. The building is coming down on her._

 _She has to find James and get out before it's too late._

 _Natalia coughs into her sleeve before straightening herself. She takes a breath although there's no clean oxygen available. She starts her run, leaping over pieces of smoking debris. Every moment counts because a second could mean that_ five years ago, they located Thanos. Five years ago, Thanos destroyed the stones. Five years ago, Thor decapitated Thanos.

Five years ago, The Avengers went their separate ways.

Her original teammates seemed to have moved on: Tony and Pepper got married and were living with their daughter up in a countryside cottage. Bruce went somewhere to go find himself. Steve had his own apartment in the city where he was also a grief counsellor for survivors of the decimation. Thor resided in New Asgard. And she had no whereabouts on Clint but recent findings made her believe differently, especially after she found out that his wife and kids died in the snap.

Eventually, the others left as well.

Meanwhile, Natasha stayed here in Avengers Headquarters. Everyone else decided to do something else to pass the time and keep busy. It was almost like they were slowly accepting defeat. But she stayed here because she had nowhere else to go and so that there would be someone present in case a familiar face returns.

But not her, no matter how much she wanted to. It was getting harder for her to hold on because there wasn't much for her to grasp onto.

Five years later, she's the only one staying strong, working hard to hold everything together. That's why she was on Tony's side during the Sokovia Accords. She didn't want to break up The Avengers.

Five years later and she thinks she lost hope.

 _Five strides later and she thinks she's found him._

 _She tries and swats the smoke away, focusing on a body lying on the ground. Something glimmers in her eye and it could be his metal arm._

 _Natalia steps over with caution, inhaling slowly and deeply in the polluted environment. If it was him, she'd be relieved, even if he was dead. It was only because she_ got to see their faces again. Even if there was no progress on their missions, a call meant that they still remembered her.

Natasha sits at the table, sighing as the call ends. Looking up from her sandwich, she sees Rhodey still on the line. She thought he would've hung up by now like everyone else, but he's known her for longer, unlike everyone else.

That's why she trusted him the most to help look for Clint. She would gather the intel and he would check it out. Someone had to be out there and another in here because there was a chance that Clint would return even if signs point elsewhere.

"It's definitely Barton," Rhodey tells her regarding the massacre he had to walk in on.

Natasha says nothing. Instead, she does a subtle nod as she reclines back in her chair. She knows Clint well enough and other forms of evidence from the past five years wave their flags at him.

"What he's done, what he's been doing for the last five years," Rhodey says. "I mean, the scene that he left - I gotta tell you that there's a part of me that doesn't even want to find him."

Natasha holds her shaking body together. She can feel the tears starting to brim in her eyes as her nose reddens. Rhodey's waiting for her to respond, to agree with him. But she can't because she knows that Clint would do the same for her. Because he has before. Her mouth trembled as she partially opens it.

"Will you find him where he's going next?" She takes a bite into the corner of her sandwich as she looks at Rhodey.

Rhodey sighs. "Nat…"

"Please."

She can barely see him through the tears glossing over her eyes. She's grateful the call ends because that's when she cracks. That's when the bruises no one can see become exposed. She's hurting a lot but she keeps smiling. Someone has to, but sometimes she can't help but _cry so many tears in hopes to put out all the flames._

 _Through the thick smoke, she sees James lying on the ground, unconscious._

 _A jet is above to collect them but she can't move. Through the smoke, she can't breathe. She looks down and sees James lying on the ground unconscious. She isn't sure who did this. It likely wasn't their targets because they could never get their hands on him._

 _It had to be who moulded them._

 _Before she could do something, a shadow forms over them. Natalia looks up as hot tears stream down her face and she wants nothing more than to_ bring it all back.

She's been lying to herself because she's been struggling with the fact that they lost. She didn't understand how everyone could've easily moved on. Out of everyone, she should've been the first to wipe her hands and walk out, but she's the only one left.

"You know, I'd offer to cook you dinner but you seem pretty miserable already."

Natasha escapes her thoughts and sees Steve standing at the doorframe. She forces a small smile although she doesn't want to. Steve is the first and last person she wanted to see. First, because he's one of her best friends but last because she's a wreck and she told him that their plan to get the stones back would work and it didn't. She gave him hope that failed.

"You here to do your laundry?" Natasha asks.

"And to see a friend," he responds.

Natasha exhales, leaning back into her chair as she looks at him. "Clearly, _do something, dammit!"_

 _"_ _Natalia, stand back," her superior barks at her._

 _"_ _He's dying!"_

 _Natalia tries to crouch beside James to see and him but she's pulled back against her will. They can't do that. He needs her. And she needs him in return. She can't leave. She can't give up on him._

 _"_ _He will be fine," they reassure as if they're reading from a script._

 _"_ _How can you say that?!" She screams. "You_ know, if you're about to tell me to look on the bright side, I'm about to hit you in the head with a peanut butter sandwich."

Steve smiles guiltily, looking down at the ground. He could never see her like this. He mumbles an apology before walking into her makeshift office. He throws his jacket onto a nearby chair and his keys on the table as he takes a seat across from her. Natasha leans forwards to offer him her sandwich. He doesn't take it, but it's there.

Steve sighs, crossing his arms as he sits back in his chair. Like her, he seems to be having the same feeling about everything that's happened but has handled it differently. Now that it's the two of them, they can finally open up.

"You know, I keep telling everyone they should move on and grow. Some do." He looks at her with a small smile. "But not us."

"If I move on, who does this?" Natasha asks.

In the last five years, Natasha was the leader of The Avengers, even if they split and barely kept in touch. She never moved on because she had nothing but she found her new family and this job. They were everything to her. They were one of the strongest emotional connections she's ever had. She could never forget who she was and how she grew to this point.

"Maybe it doesn't need to be done," Steve says.

Natasha shakes her head as she looks at him with glassy eyes. She couldn't completely lose him too. "I used to have nothing. And then, I got this job. This family."

She grins a little despite her tears, not believing that she said that aloud because she never has before. Natasha always wore her scars within. They were beneath her skin so people would never know her pain. And she's chosen not to complain about being hurt. Being silent gave her courage as she fights.

But she's reached the point where the loneliness and the grief were too much for even a spy of her regimen to handle. Her blonde hair from her clean slate has now become more of its natural blood red, as it always was. It's long and unattended. Her life has changed drastically and now they're different again. The world is in a calming chaos. People started functioning as a normal society but there's still this blip of what happened that will never go away. She accepts people as they are: scars and imperfections visible but the people she's grown to love have left.

Half the population is gone, half her hair is red. She continues to bleed for them because it's her fault. Her ledger is stained with red and she has no choice but to wear it. It's natural. Every time she runs her fingers through it, she _hollers. Holding her scalp, she grips her hair by the roots to keep it in place as she's thrown to the side by her curls._

 _Natalia lands in the debris, mere inches from the flames. She rolls on her back, looking back at where she was. She sees James being attended to but not well enough. He needed to be put back under and they were willing to let him melt here to make her suffer._

 _"_ _Natalia, stop," someone tells her before she starts moving. "Let us do our job."_

 _"_ _He's dying and you're letting him," Natalia responds. "You're letting me watch him die."_

 _"_ _We know. So keep quiet or else."_

 _Natalia holds her tongue for a second. She grabs a fistful of soot and grinds it in her fingertips, watching it fall on her uniform. She was always taught that love was for children but she feels her body trying to reengineer itself around that. Looking at James, she can't help but admit that "_ I was better because of it."

Steve's face softens up the more she talks. It's been more than five years that she's had these feelings. If anything, it started after New York and only grew from there. Now would be the time when she needs it most. They all need it.

"And even though they're gone, I'm still trying to be better," Natasha finished.

"We both need to get a life."

Natasha doesn't want to admit how much she needed that humorous truth. She looks up at Steve, biting down on her cracking smile. "You first."

They gaze at each other for a second, breathing in the mutual loss they've both experienced. At least they still had each other because they didn't know what would happen if one or the other died in the snap. Without her eyes leaving his, she swipes open a holographic alert and watches _his eyes slowly flutter open._

 _Natalia sits up in her bedside hospital chair. In disbelief, she leans in closer to get a better look at him. When their eyes meet, her curls fall and drape over her shoulders. She's waiting for him to say something but he's probably hoping that she starts the conversation._

 _"_ _What - what happened?" James asks._

 _"_ _You died," Natalia responds._

 _"_ _Again? Damn, that trick never seems to work." He grunts as he tries to change his position and Natalia doesn't stop him. "Look, you and I need to talk."_

 _"_ _And when has it ever been 'just talking' with us?"_

 _He can't argue that. "Fair point. But I'm going to send you the medical bill for whatever happened."_

 _"_ _As if I have a steady income."_

 _"_ _We don't have a steady anything, but you're still getting the bill."_

* * *

 **After this, I will skip a few scenes from** ** _Endgame_** **and summarize it with narration.**


	12. Kyoto (Tokyo)

**This chapter is short, but it focuses more on the parallel between Clint and Natasha and Natasha and Bucky. That's important for the next chapter.**

* * *

Chapter Twelve: _Kyoto_ / Tokyo

Scott Lang drove up out of nowhere and came with a plan. They thought he died in the snap, but his circumstances were too much for Natasha and Steve to understand. But out of his lucky chance, he had a plan because he thought he was only out for five hours when five years passed. It was truly a ridiculous plan after seeing a demo, but it was better than what they had before. But he had an idea to get everyone back and that was all Natasha needed.

For the first time in five years, she had hope.

But before they could work on getting the ones lost in the snap, she had to work on getting the rest of the team back. Without them, she learned that s _he's the loneliest when she's beside him because of the mind control. It should be them against the world, not each other._

 _She didn't expect to see him here. She was on a private mission on the streets in a foreign city, but she could recognize that metal arm anywhere._

 _But she wasn't the little girl from The Red Room he trained. She was now Natasha Romanoff. She became this way after meeting Agent Clint Barton of SHIELD. He was sent to kill her but, instead, brought her back and turned her into a heroine. He was the only person who saw something redeeming in her._

 _And now he_ disappeared that easily, creating a ledger as red as hers once was. As close as they were, she didn't want them to share that trait. Clint was grieving, vengeful. He lost his whole world and didn't understand why some of the worst people survived.

So he had to make amends.

And she couldn't blame him because she wanted the same thing. Just with a different strategy.

Natasha walks through the streets of Tokyo. Lights flicker on the neon signs above as she walks down the streets with an umbrella to shield her from the rain. She had a reading on him but didn't need it once she landed in Tokyo. It was a big city but she could hear the sounds of metal slicing against metal and screams of anguish.

On any other day, it would be familiar to her. Her partnership with Clint stretches far back. But now, after all that he's done for the past five years, the best memories are the ones that are more of a _feeling than an actual remembrance._

 _James almost didn't recognize her in that SHIELD uniform. He couldn't help but wonder when she made that switch. Was she on an undercover infiltration mission or did she truly convert?_

 _It didn't matter. Those questions weren't his mission._

 _Natalia, if that's still her name, isn't his mission either. But she's in his way of completing it and she knows that._

 _Natalia jumps in the air, avoiding bullets from two guns being shot at her at once. She grips on a lamppost and swings around, launching herself forwards towards James. She kicks him in the chest, falling back and catching herself with her hands just to pounce back up._

 _She tries to knee him in the chest but he steps back. Given their new distance, she attempts a roundhouse kick. He steps back, yielding. Natalia notices his pause but stays on her toes, ready to attack in case this was a trap. He reaches back and_ removes his damp hood from his head. His eyes never leave his latest victim.

"You shouldn't be here," Clint tells her.

"Neither should you," Natasha responds.

When Clint turns around to face her, she isn't sure what to say. She could barely recognize him although his face hasn't changed. She thought the five years were hard on her, but they were excruciating for him. Natasha could try to explain that killing those people won't bring his family back, but he knows that.

"We found something," Natasha says as she starts walking closer to him. "A chance, maybe -"

"No," he cuts her off. She can see the exhaustion dripping from his face with the rain. "Don't."

"Don't what?"

"Don't give me hope."

Those words felt like he stabbed her with his sword. It's been five years since the snap, so why should he feel any different now? And, in the chance that this failed or put the world in an even worse state, then what was the point?

She couldn't think of anything to say back. "I _think you were the one who made me into a ballerina."_

 _James hesitates on his weapon. "To be fair, you do have the moves."_

 _Natalia cocks her brow at him. "To be fair."_

 _Her training comes back like a reflex. Her muscle memory has never left her._

 _"_ _There's the little spider I trained…" James mutters._

 _He watches Natalia stand on her toes in a pirouette as she spins around to kick him. She's a lovely savage. A delicate beast. She's with soft skin, a vivacious brute with victory in her soul and power in her veins. She turns any fight sequence into a ballet._

 _This is a complicated spider's web and they're tangled in it._

 _"_ _I've escaped," Natalia tells him. "You don't know me anymore."_

 _"_ _You were never truly free."_

 _She holds an electrified widow's bite against his neck. A burning sensation tickles his skin as her face is mere inches from his. His gun is on the road but although he could still take her down like this, he narrows his eyes at her._

 _But her face softens up. "I'm sorry."_

 _"_ _You're what?" He asks._

 _"_ _I'm sorry_ I couldn't give it to you sooner."

Those words are no ease for him. He looks away from her and that's when she takes his hand. It's to let him know that she's here and has been here the whole time. They have a history _longer than the war. They've been together since her earliest days in the Red Room. They were together on the wrong side of the battle, even when they were fighting each other through different agencies._

 _"_ _Where am I?" James whispers to her when she backs down. "Why am I here? How did I get here?"_

 _Natalia shrugs. "And why am I here?"_

 _"_ _Because The Red Room has ways of bringing you back. Back to them, back to me. Is there a difference?"_

 _Natalia shakes her head. She backs away, keeping her eyes on him. The clouds darken above them and it starts to pour rain in Kyoto. James could never tell if she was crying or not but this made it worse because of the raindrops. But her curls grow heavier, darker, sinking the damper they get._

 _So she runs off, disappearing into the city. James hesitates on running after her but that's not his mission. His distraction from the mission has disappeared so now he can complete it with no more interruptions._

 _No two people will have_ a perfect relationship.

The only thing that she knows is this: they're full of wounds but _still standing on their feet._

 _She may have fled from the scene, but some sacrifices had to be made. She knew that even if she didn't know when it would occur. Either way, her feelings were always the way to go, even in the Red Room._

 _He was right. Some things never change._

 _But maybe the chance will come back to her. She isn't sure._

 _Natasha stops running and turns back to make sure he wasn't following her. Why would he? He had a mission to complete. Even if he was on her trail to kill her, he would've shot her dead the moment she turned her back._

 _But why didn't he? Maybe she'll see him in a minute…_

* * *

 **So, I'm going to skip a few** ** _Endgame_** **scenes and get to what's possibly the most important one in Natasha's arc. I'm dreading it but excited for the flashback part. It might not be out until 2020.**


	13. The Red Room (Vormir)

**The** ** _Black Widow_** **trailer killed me and provided some inspiration for this chapter.**

 **You see the title, we know what's coming …*screams into the void that Natasha fell down***

 **I meant to have another chapter before this one but cut it out, making this one the thirteenth chapter … I hate that. But let's go on this ride down Vormir together.**

* * *

Chapter Thirteen: _The Red Room_ / Vormir

 _Natasha never thought she would come back to where it all started. She once ran away from here and now she's running through it. There was unfinished business. Some girls have to be saved._

 _"_ _The Black Widow can't exit this facility!"_

 _As if their men will stop her. They may have created her but she upgraded herself._

 _When a slew of men come her way, she leaps over them, bringing her knees to her chest mid-air. Natasha pounces to the ground and crouches. A man grabs her in a headlock and she grunts. Natasha flips back, locking her knees around his neck. Her thighs squeeze tightly and she catches herself in a handstand when his grip goes limp._

 _Natasha unclips a grenade from her belt and juggles it in her hands for a few tosses. Once she finishes the countdown in her mind and throws it ahead at the last second. The moment it hits the wall, it explodes._

 _Natasha walks through the hole she made in the wall. Once the smoke clears, she steps through and enters a bedroom. A dozen little girls lie in their beds, bodies slightly arches because their hands are cuffed to the top of the bedframes. They're not scared. They're unfazed by her appearance._

 _"_ _Get up, ladies," Natasha orders, spraying a foaming concrete on the hole she jumped through. "You know how to break free from handcuffs."_

 _At her command, they snap their wrists and slide their limps hands through to pop their wrists back into place. Natasha smiles down at them as she walks through the room. Of course, they'll listen to her. They're baby Black Widows and she's the mother spider. She may have_ reassembled The Avengers and made sure they were fine throughout the years. She may have been their interim leader or matriarch. But now they're back with a plan, she's fine with handing the reins and returning to her original rank. She was happier to be closer to getting the stones back and working with her friends.

They could fix everything.

And she was excited to do something outside her training. Time travel was out of her element, but so were monsters and magic before The Battle of New York.

Natasha and Clint were assigned for Vormir to retrieve the Soul Stone. The planet was truly breathtaking. It's dark and ominous yet mountainous with hues of purples and blues in the sky and fog surrounding them.

Clint walks ahead of Natasha and they look out at the open abyss, wondering where the hell the Soul Stone could be. They learned that Thanos killed his daughter, Nebula's sister, while getting it.

They hear something behind them. In sync, Natasha and Clint whip around, respectively holding their gun and sword out. Anyone who knows history would recognize The Red Skull. He's wearing a black cloak and hovering a few inches from the ground with fog at his feet.

Clint was right, they were a long way from Budapest. She _didn't know what she was doing back here._

 _Saving these little girls? Who was she? And what was she going to do with them when they got out? She was once this little girl but she got to grow up. She was trained as a child to be a killer. She searched her whole life_ for a purpose.

"Natasha, daughter of Ivan," Red Skull states, almost as a greeting.

Natasha's body loosens up. That name sounds so foreign but feels right to the ear. It causes her and Clint to walk closer to Red Skull, keeping their weapons drawn.

"Who are you?" Natasha grits through her teeth. This can't be Red Skull. How could he be here and know that information about her and Clint?

"A guide to all who seek the Soul Stone," Red Skull responds.

"Okay, now tell us where it is and we'll be on our way."

"Oh, if only it were that easy."

Red Skull floats over to the edge of the cliff. Clint and Natasha follow, peering over to where _she hears banging and the attempt to break through the barricades she and the little girls set up with all the furniture in the room. Their captors were trying to administer their trigger words and get the little girls against Natasha, but the mother spider set of an EMP so nothing would register._

 _Natasha heads over to the window. When she opens it, many snowlakes fly in. Nobody shivers. They're Russian. They're used to the cold._

 _She looks over at the little girls who tied the rope to the wall. They pass it down and, eventually, the girl closest to the window throws it out. They can't see if it landed on the ground, but gravity only works one way. Natasha sighs, seeing_ the purple aura turning into a deep indigo before black.

"What you see lies in front of you," Red Skull informs them. "Is this what you fear?"

Natasha shivers as a light wind passes her from behind. "The Stone's down there."

"For one of you. For the other … in order to take the Stone, you must lose that which you love. An everlasting exchange: a soul for a soul."

It was a ride they know the answer to. Neither of them wants to admit it, but one of them had to _get down to freedom. The little girls were mini assassins in the making. They can survive scaling down a building in a snowstorm in their thin nightgowns._

 _"_ _Whatever_ it takes…" Natasha mutters.

Clint looks at the abyss. "Whatever it takes."

Natasha looks up from her seat and rises to stand in front of Clint. "If we don't get that stone, billions of people stay dead."

Clint nods, looking down. "I guess we both know who it's gotta be."

Her heart swells. "I guess we do."

She feels him grab _her hand and when she looks down, she sees a little girl trembling. She must be new here: the smallest and purest baby in the hatch. Natasha puts her hand on top of the girl's head and smiles lightly._

 _"_ _It will be okay…" Natasha mutters. "We will get out of here."_

 _"_ _Are you sure?" The girl mutters._

 _"_ _I'll be right behind you, dear child." Natasha runs a hand through the messy knotted hair to untangle it. "I'm_ starting to think we mean different people here," Clint says. He smiles a little from the corner of his mouth because he knows he's right. "Natasha…"

She takes a breath because _she has always wanted to come back home. But now, she_ has to get out.

 _"_ For the last five years, I've been trying to do one thing that took me here," Natasha tells him. "That's all it's been about: bringing everybody back. What, you think I wanna do it? I'm trying to save your life, you idiot.

"No," Clint says firmly, "don't you get all _scared on me now."_

 _Natasha looks at the little girl, helping her on the rope and guiding her to the window. They're running out of time. The smallest spider has to slide down the web. This is Natasha's chance to do something right because_ redeeming any past behaviour is the ultimate sacrifice. It's a calculated decision _that she made on the way here. She's spent_ the past five years ruminating in her guilt, seeing how her best friend lost himself for losing his family, her family. She didn't want him to die but she wouldn't let his family return without him and allow history to repeat itself.

After five years, she finally had hope for the first time. All she wanted was to bring people back but it cost her her life. She _knew how to get the little girls to trust her because she was once in their little nightgowns. She knew how to get them to follow orders because she was once as naïve and helpless as them._

 _Once the baby spider is out, the room is finally being taken down by the walls. It took them long enough but at least the girls are out. But the rope snaps and flies out the window. Whoever was on the rope, along with the baby spider, will now fall the rest of the way. Natasha screams for them but believes that they'll be fine._

 _They're small, they're light, they're baby spiders, and they'll land in the snow. But she's no stranger to being a_ judge of character.

"Well, I don't judge people by their worst mistakes," Natasha tells Clint.

"Maybe you should."

"You didn't."

Clint was sent to kill her, but he didn't. He made a different call. He brought her back and helped her clean the blood from her ledger. They became partners, best friends, and family. He let her into his life and she even became an aunt with his youngest named after her. That was why she couldn't let him go through with his plan.

All Clint does is nod. His face is stone cold.

"You're a pain in my ass, alright?" He says, pressing his forehead against hers.

The warm touch is _all she has left until the room is broken into. Natasha gets back into position, pulling out her guns from her holster. She begins firing non-stop, taking the advantage before they settle into the scene. She didn't expect for_ Clint to kick her by the calf and she lands on her back. She's on the ground, pinned down by the ones who _made her into a ballerina. She claws into his arm and throws him to the side_ , making sure she's on top of him. She's on her feet, pointing her widow's bite at Clint.

"You tell them yourself," she says as she fires at him.

As the electricity surges through his body, she turns and makes a run for it. The closer she gets to the edge, the more power she builds in her legs. But a sudden explosion from one of his arrows _sends her slamming against the wall. She huffs. No weapons on her could get her out of this mess. But she has no choice. She has to get to the bottom. When Natasha turns, she_ sees Clint looking right into her eyes. He throws his bow to the side and starts the run. She scrambles onto her feet as he takes the leap.

But she pounces straight for him. When her arms wrap around his torso, she spins them around, sticking out her wrist to shoot out a grappling hook. Once it secures to the rock, she attaches it to Clint's belt and they stop. They bounce a bit before swinging against the wall and back out.

Natasha lets herself go but Clint catches her by the wrist. _She was so close to_ letting him win.

"Damn you," he grunts, trying to reach her hand with the one holding onto the grappling hook's string but it's too far.

She looks down at how far it is and there's no other option now. The only way out _is down_. _Natasha makes her way over to the window before looking back_ up at Clint. He's desperate to try and get her to hold on so he could drop himself. But there's no changing their situation. Natasha planned this and she's grateful that it worked. If only Clint could cooperate but she knows he won't.

"Let me go…" Natasha pleads softly. Her voice starts to tremble.

"No," Clint responds, trying hard to hold on to the both of them. "No, please, no."

She forces herself to take a breath and swallow her fear to comfort him. "It's okay."

He shakes his head. "Please."

She wants to hold his hand. She's scared because she doesn't want to die. Nobody wants to die but this is the only way to save the universe. She would and will sacrifice herself for the universe.

It's been five years _since she went back home_. This is her time.

She always said she wanted a view and this was it. The rocky cliffside with the medley of dark purples and greys swirling in the sky. The bright red sun at the top, blending in with the darkness. Everything around her _was white. The room, the outside. The snow blocked out anything and everything that could possibly be out there. It could be mistaken for heaven which is what she wanted to believe._

 _But it was the right thing. The best thing._

 _And where else could_ she get a view like this? She asked that question when they were floating on Sokovia. Natasha remembers being above the clouds, seeing pieces of the blue sky peeking through. Now, she was looking at the sky in a shade of purple she never thought was possible. There's a thin layer of fog that resembles visible breath when it's cold.

She's scared but _there are little girls at the bottom, waiting for her to bring them home. She couldn't leave them there to freeze. She was doing this for them,_ for everyone. _So she takes the run, building up as much power as she can in her legs._

 _And once she makes the leap and crashes through the window, glass shards fly everywhere, hitting her eyes so she squints them shut. When she opens her eyes and becomes one with her beautiful view, that's when she_ kicks off the wall like a ballerina making its leap, forces herself out of his grip, and starts her descent.

Nothing holds her back. Nobody has her on a string. She's her own agent, hero, Avenger, _spy, Mother Spider, Black Widow._

 _The little orphans she saved surround her body. They couldn't escape into the blizzard with their mother still up there. The blow to the ground shattered parts of her skull, fractured her spine, and demolished her tailbone. A trail of blood drips out of her parted lips, freezing before it hits the snow but blends into her scattered locks of hair._

 _Their little feet drag through the snow as flurries scatter on the tops of their heads. They kneel beside her, shivering in their thin nightgowns. Some gather snow, pressing it where they think it hurts. Once that's completed, they each take a hold of her broken body and carry her out as fast and careful as they can._

 _It feels like she's been asleep for years and she wasn't sure if she wanted to wake up. But now, her eyes are open, seeing the big picture. But that doesn't explain what's happening now._

 _Do they think she wanted to do it? It doesn't matter because she chose to. She did it because she had to complete the mission doing_ whatever it takes.

* * *

 **Honestly, this was my favourite** ** _Endgame_** **chapter to write mostly because of the flashback. I read somewhere that one of the alternate plot points for Natasha was that she would run an orphanage for kids who lost their parents after the snap. I think it was supposed to be an homage to a comic version of Natasha where she saved Red Room orphans which was my inspiration for the flashback. It also gives the image of where her story starts versus where it ends.**

 **But don't fret, this story isn't over yet. There will be a little connecting chapter between Natasha's ending and James's "re-entry" to the story. In terms of chapters, there will be two chapters left (because I cut out another two chapters).**


	14. The Soul World

**This chapter takes place after chapter nine which also took place in The Soul World. As you can see, there is no memory. It's one present event.**

* * *

Chapter Fourteen: The Soul World

Bucky has been watching the ballerina Natalia spin on her toe for what felt like hours. At least, he thought it was hours. He didn't know if time was passing wherever he was. Her routine kept on going because there was always someone in this world screaming. It was hypnotizing, but he resists. Even when his throat went raw from his yells, someone was filling the void. He didn't know his way out of here because he didn't understand how he got to whatever _here_ is.

It's times like this he wishes he was back under.

How long has it been? How does time pass here? Does time pass?

He looks up at Natalia who bounces from one toe to the other. His body trembles, feeling like it will crumble again. He balls his hands into fists, pressing into his palms. This will not be the end of him. Bucky's about to scream to let it all out, but Natalia leaps.

She does one final jump, stretching her legs out with her toes pointed. Natalia's legs come back together but she doesn't stick the landing. She falls into the foggy ground and the mist flies up.

Bucky immediately runs over, calling her name. He slows his pace the closer he gets to where she landed. He looks down but the ballerina isn't there anymore. Instead, it's Natalia with her hair now braided and wearing a Black Widow spy suit with weapons on her belt and legs straps. Her arms are open by her sides, legs bent, and eyes dead open.

The ballerina became an assassin.

She was about to land on her feet and it looks like she jumped off a cliff.

Bucky's breath is shaky as he exhales, leaning downwards to get a closer look at her. When he meets her eyes, they flicker to maintain contact with his. She blinks rapidly as her chest shoots upwards to take a breath. She coughs, gasping for air and Bucky isn't sure what to do.

Bucky backs away as Natalia stands up, facing him with her lips parted. She's speechless, not believing that she's seeing him with recognition in his eyes.

Her eyes don't leave his as she takes a few steps closer to him. Bucky doesn't move but she stops when she's right in front of him. She looks at him, confused a little but then smiles. He can't help but mimic it because now it all makes sense. It feels like this moment answered any questions he had about her. All his memories came back without damaging his fragile mind. _Natalia is Natasha._ His ballerina from his past was the agent he's run into on the battlefield many times. It all makes sense.

"The Red Room never saw this coming…" Natasha mutters. "I'm sorry we never found each other the way we wanted to."

"She said I would never see you again," Bucky tells her, referring to when he asked the ballerina who she was.

Natasha exhales, seeming to already know what he means. Before she could explain what happened to get her here, all the screaming stops. Bucky and Natasha are now in silence. They look at each other and Natasha looks down at his arms with a growing smile. Bucky looks and sees his hands beginning to turn to dust. When Natasha looks at something behind him, Bucky turns around and sees a circular portal with lines and stars bordering around it.

Tears form in Natasha's eyes. "It worked."

"Natal - Natasha?" Bucky asks.

Natasha looks at him and the tears fall down her face. "Go get 'em."

Before he could respond or take her with him, his body disappears, flying through the portal. The last thing he sees is her watching him go. The world spent years torturing them but now they're someone else. They became their own weapons as people who will still save the world.

* * *

 **This chapter is short, I know, but I didn't know I needed it. And there's a final battle for Bucky to return to! (But that won't be the chapter. Instead, the next chapter will be a sort of epilogue chapter. It'll tie up any loose knots and be the final chapter).**


	15. His (Hers)

**This is the final chapter of the story. Originally, I was going to have 17 chapters, but the flow from the last chapter to this one worked better. And now it's coming out on the release date of the** ** _Black Widow_** **trailer so that's even better.**

* * *

Chapter Fifteen: _His_ / Hers

 _Natasha didn't know that Bucky Barnes had a spot on SHIELD's Wall of Valour. She never took a moment to look here since many of the agents on here were lives she ended. But she didn't think much about his name before realizing that it made sense. She didn't know Bucky Barnes that Steve Rogers did. All she knew was James Barnes, The Winter Soldier he was crafted into after Bucky's apparent death. A man she never allowed anyone to put the blame on for anything he did under the KGB's control._

 _Exhaling, she catches her reflection in the marble glass. Through her eyes, she sees flashes of him in The Red Room with her, on missions, watching him go under again with no idea on when he would return._

 _He was a beautiful man who loved an ugly woman. Really, really loved her._

 _A long time ago,_ Natalia Romanova treated him like a human when he thought he was an irreparable machine. And for that love, they were punished in many ways. Sometimes, they were forced to watch the other suffer or fight until the other bled. Fighting against her and the control in his mind was unbearable. Meeting her and being with her always cracked through their conditioning in ways he didn't understand. That's when the abuse worsened for them but he continued being their weapon and she the top of her Black Widow class.

Now, he feels more alive than ever but parts of him have died. Bucky said goodbye to Steve without knowing it was for forever. He went back to live the life he never got now that the world would be in good hands.

And he thought he would be fine, but then he saw Sam and Wanda sitting on a bench by the lakeside. When he walked over, he sees Wanda cradling a bouquet of red flowers. It was then that he learned that Natasha sacrificed herself.

Natasha. The ballerina who freed him from the abyss of the unknown. That's why she was there as someone new.

"You saw her, didn't you?" Wanda asks. "You remember it all, right?"

It takes Bucky a moment to look up from the flowers and see Wanda addressing him. He sees how distraught they both are. Like him, they went into battle with Natasha back in Wakanda only to come back to a world where she was gone. Just like that. They didn't get to say goodbye to someone they were on the run with for years.

"Yeah," Bucky responds. "I don't know how but she was this ballerina I knew who became the spy you know."

Two worlds collided although they could never _tear them apart. Natasha traces his name with her finger and reflects on times when he was conscious of what he did. The horrors plagued his mind, summoning others to come like a tidal wave. James had it worse than her because she was wired that way since childhood. He would've put a bullet in his brain if she wasn't there for him. She was his sanctuary but agony, just how he liked it. He knew about her scars and she never had to hide them from him._

 _She never knew who she was before she was robbed of her innocence. He'll never be able to_ see her smile. Ever since he saw her again in the afterlife, he recognized her but noticed something unfamiliar about her. He wanted to know who she was as the backbone of The Avengers or who she was before she died.

When he thinks about her, his new mind latches into a memory. Everything came back to him. All the words and whispers she told him when the demons overpowered his mind. He was blown up, frozen, brainwashed, and forced to kill for his enemies. Everyone from his past lives escaped his memories except for her. Maybe if he died _falling off that train, it would've spared them both those years of torture, pain, and heartbreak._

 _All the matching scars on their bodies write stories of strength. It's different from the Bucky Barnes on the memorial. Cracks start to form on the wall from age but The Winter Soldier is timeless. If she was any other woman, it would show her heart breaking from loving the wrong man. This feeling came with a different pain that nothing in The Red Room could administer on her. They fought to love each other and paid different prices._

 _She's sure that he has his own history from moments apart. One day, she'll_ learn it. He'll find out more about the person who understands his scars. He'll learn about the transformation from the ballerina to the Avenger. He was once the worst with her on his mind but nothing will rob him of his happiest anymore. Unlike before, he has time and sanity on his side.

"Did she remember me?" Bucky asks. "Was anything real?"

"She did," Sam responds. "She never said anything but I could tell."

"After I told you," Wanda says with a small smile. "If only you two could meet again in the right order."

Bucky smiles a little, putting a hand on Wanda's shoulder. It's moments like this where the pain is worth it. It means that he's alive. The matching scars on their bodies mean that they've always survived. They could heal their own wounds from everything meant to destroy them. Every battle they've fought in, whether on the same side or against each other, just added another scar to their story.

Bucky nods. "If only…"

Every battle becomes another story, every scar becomes a part of their journey. They once had tragedy in their blood and thought they would die with it, but they became more than what they were crafted for.

She was a beautiful woman who loved an ugly man. Really, really loved him. And he loved her back.

* * *

 **And now, Natasha is getting her solo movie and Bucky a TV show. That's the real happy ending here.**

 **Thank you, readers, especially to those who dealt with my long hiatuses. Please let me know what you all thought. I enjoyed writing this story a lot and it certainly hasn't felt like two years.**

 **If you have a story idea that you want me to write, don't be afraid to suggest it. Or if you have a story you want me to beta, don't be scared to ask.**

 **~ MysteryGal5**


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